30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Dear Sixteen Year-Old Me...

A while back I stumbled upon a list of writing prompts (here) and I thought it was a brilliant way to write more while also giving my kids something substantial to read from me. I lost my dad without getting to know him as a person and I would really give anything to have pieces of him. So, despite how narcissistic it can often times feel to write about myself, I'm doing this for my kiddos. Slowly but surely, that is, because this will only be the second prompt completed here. (You can find them above at the "For My Kids" page)

Today I'm here to tell my 16 year-old self 10 things - so here we go.

01. Friends will come and go.

This was a really painful lesson for me as I lost a lot of friends throughout high school whether someone moved, graduated, grew apart, or due to bad decisions. Each loss felt devastating at the time. It wasn't until quite some time later when I realized it was OK and normal to grow apart from people throughout your life. The thing that really helped me here was the reason, season, and lifetime poem. Not everyone is destined to be a major part of our life forever and while it can be painful, it is all in God's plan for us. God knows what we don't and most of the time it starts to become apparent after a while why those people left our lives. Letting go can feel really great, too. I spent way too much time trying to hold onto people so tightly that I missed out on joy and new experiences or even just the things that were right in front of my face. So, friends WILL come and go. Let them go. Have peace in your heart about it. You will never have to beg someone to be part of your life who wants to be there. And you know what? Some friends will stay. Just keep swimming. Be good to the friends in your life.

02. Life is GREY.

In high school I saw things in black OR white extremes. And I did a lot of judging of people early on. At some point it was coming from a good place, but it really didn't come out as anything nice. Because no matter how well-intentioned it is, judging someone else just isn't our job. I wish I had known you could still love people despite their choices. That you can lovingly disagree with someone. You can look out for someone and try to be there for them and do it all without shoving your opinions and judgments on them. Life is grey. And that's okay.

03. Travel. 

Okay so you won't likely do much traveling with your sixteen year-old budget... but still. If you get the chance to go somewhere or do something new: DO IT. Don't let the fear of anything hold you back. If you get into a situation you don't like - then come back. I was always too afraid to go do anything in case it wasn't for me. (Like working at a summer camp away from home or trying the Disney college program.) Fear kept me from doing what I wanted to do too many times. I wish I had done more traveling with myself or my sisters or my friends or Tony. Not elaborate, not expensive trips. Just going anywhere and everywhere that I had the opportunity to go. I wish I had explored more unfamiliar places and seen more new things with the people I love before my kids came along. Because now my life is centered around them and being a mom. I'm not saying you can't travel once having kids and I'm also not saying I'm not planning to travel anymore... it's just not an option for me at this given moment. And I wish I had done more of it when I had more money, less responsibilities, and the time.

04. Exercise safe sex until you choose to become a parent.

Even if a doctor tells you it will be extremely difficult to get pregnant without fertility treatments. You will love being a parent one day - but just wait until you are ready. And honestly, there is no rush to have sex. Wait until you're ready for that, too. It'll all be worth it.

05. Speaking of that - exercise.

Aside from cheerleading in high school and gym class, I didn't exercise. Why would I? I could eat and drink whatever I wanted and nothing bad would ever happen. But I wish I would have known how beneficial regular exercise is and I wish I would have started that from a young age. Because once it becomes a part of your life and routine then it's just part of who you are. (Or at least that's how it was for me when I exercised regularly later in life when I had all that pre-kids energy.) It helps your mood, it helps your body to function properly, and it just makes you feel great. So start now and keep up with it.

06. Open a checking & savings account, work as much as you can.

I got this advice when I was 18 but I had already been working two years by that point. And I had a stack of paychecks I had never cashed!!! What. A. Mess. I knew absolutely nothing about the principles of saving money let alone the skills required to navigate a simple bank transaction. So. Here it is. Open up a checking account. In your name. It's okay to feel intimidated at first. If you can, open a savings account as well. Hopefully something with a bit better interest rate than your checking account. Try hard to not touch the money you put into your savings account.

Now, work as much as you can while you're young and able and have the energy and free time. Because, why not? If you're not working you'll have more time to make bad decisions and get into trouble. If you spend your time working you'll keep yourself busy with being productive AND you'll be making money. If that's money you don't need right now - SAVE IT. Don't blow it on stupid clothes you'll wear once and realize you don't even like. (If that advice sounds specific that's because it is.) Bonus points if you find a job you genuinely love.

07. Don't be hurtful just because you're hurting.

Agh. This is such an important lesson. When someone does or says something hurtful to you, you do not get a free pass to do or say something hurtful. Take a step back, walk away... deal with your insides before you deal with someone who caused you pain. You might think you are hurting them and getting even but you are just damaging yourself. You are shaping WHO you are. Do you really want to become someone who hurts people? No. You don't. So just don't go there. Be kind. Be vulnerable. Even in the face of hurtful people. They are just hurting themselves in the long run. Get to a space mentally where you can be hurt and not be hurtful in return. Be someone your little sister can look up to and feel proud.

08. Stay away from alcohol until you're 21.

Seriously. Theres a great reason why you legally have to be 21 until you partake. Trust me. Theres just no need for it yet. You've only got this ONE time to be a teenager and alcohol will only mess that up. The fun part about alcohol is how freeing it allows you to be and you know what is beautiful about this part of your life? Being a teenager is a time in your life where you are free to follow your heart and your whims. It's a time when you're no longer a kid so you've got a bit more freedom and at the same time your not yet an adult so you aren't weighed down by those responsibilities and expectations yet. Being sixteen is freeing. You don't need alcohol to free you. And really, you don't need alcohol to free you at any age. Learn that before you have your first drink and you'll already be ahead of the curve. Also, alcohol is a depressant. It can and will disrupt the balance you have going on... it will affect your thoughts, feelings, and actions. And it can sometimes cause long-term mental health issues. Honestly, you should stay away from alcohol until your frontal lobes are fully formed (around age 25) but I get that I'm really pushing it here. Point is...

Learn to be yourself, make friends, dance, flirt, and socialize without the buffer of alcohol. It's okay if it's awkward. Awkward is good. Awkward is real. Everyone is awkward as a teen. Feeling awkward means we are just outside our comfort zone and that is where we learn and grow. We like awkward.

09. Get help.

So earlier I said at 16 years old your not a kid anymore but that wasn't the whole truth. You are still a kid. You are not ready for adult situations. And you will find yourself thrust into situations you are just not ready for. This is where you need to get help. Stress is a great help indicator. It usually means you are having to bear something you can't fully deal with on your own. THAT IS OKAY. That is normal. It just means it's time to ask someone who loves and supports you for help. PLEASE, please don't be afraid or feel too intimidated to ask an adult for help. Think of an adult who makes you feel loved and safe. Go to that person. There is no "thing" too small to ask for help. Don't feel shame. I tell my kids now -- who are most definitely NOT teens yet but the same applies -- it's a BIG kid behavior to ask for help. It may not feel like it, but it is.

10. Try new things.

New foods. New experiences. All of it. Well, the healthy stuff. Let me give you an example. Senior year (before moving to Illinois) for some reason I decided to give bowling a try. Not just for fun on the weekends with friends at midnight bowling... like the actual bowling team at school. I wish I could remember what motivated me to go but I went to the tryouts. And it was FUN. Who knew there was an actual method to bowling?! Not me... not until I went, at least. I ended up making the team mostly because the amount of girls who showed up at tryouts was the number of girls they needed for a full team. The people on the team were wonderful and kind and I learned a lot while having a lot of fun. And I genuinely got better at bowling. Why did I wait until senior year to try out? I wish so much that someone had sat me down freshman year and told me failing is okay. We're not going to be good at everything we do but everything is worth a shot. So try everything.

I admire my little sister so much because she had the guts to try something new her freshman year when she tried out for volleyball. She'd never played before and had so much to learn but she found out she was a quick learner and she was talented and athletic and she did fantastic. She made the team and she excelled. Watching Ashley play volleyball and practicing with her are some of my favorite memories from high school. I wish all the time I'd had the courage she did and would have tried out my freshman year. I might not have made it - but what if I would have? We could have played together for two years in high school. And I would have had fun because that community was full of great people.

Try all the things. Don't be afraid of failure. It's just as likely you'll succeed. But if and when you do fail it'll propel you forward. It'll help you discover your capabilities.

Other great things: learn to love coffee, get your ass to church but more importantly know God, read lots of books, spend time with your family, develop hobbies, life is about more than the opposite sex (or more specifically life is about more than what the opposite sex thinks of you), don't waste your time on mean or fake friends, go to sleep at a decent time, get out of your comfort zone as much as possible, be good to your sisters, eat food that is actually good for you, life isn't always about you, LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC, the popular thing is almost never the right thing... and a million more.

Kids, if you're reading this, I wish I could just breathe these lessons into you. But I can't. You are going to have to make the choice to hear these things or not. And I hope you take this time in your life to listen to your mommy and learn some of the things she wished she knew at your age. I love you SO MUCH and always want what is best for you and I hope you feel that.

What kinds of lessons do you wish someone would have taught your 16 year-old self? What are some of the lessons your thankful you were taught at that age?

Marriage Monday: Stop Fighting in Front of Your Children!

"The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their mother. The greatest gift a woman can give her children is to love their father."

Rabbi Shmuley

Being a parent, your number one priority is to protect your children - whether it is preventing physical, emotional, or psychological harm.

Support your newborns neck... Never leave your child unattended on your bed... Don't start solids too soon... Make sure the car seat is installed properly... Bottle-propping is a no-no... Set the thermostat between 68-72 degrees at night!  

From day one, you are given lists of cautionary rules concerning your child's physical harm that are given to new parents to give your child the best chance of surviving and if you are anything like my husband and I, you find out what works as you go but you are deathly afraid of breaking any rules up front.  These rules are typically pretty black and white so they are fairly easy to follow.  However, when it comes to meeting your child's psychological needs, the rules tend to blur into the gray area.  To be fair, most parents aren't always properly equipped with how to meet those needs as there are far more guidelines given to parents concerning physical well-being over anything else.  So let's talk about the psychological health topic concerning family conflict - more primarily, the effects of fighting in front of your kids.

As you already know, marital conflict is inevitable.  You are not only dealing with the normal stresses of life, but on top of it you've now got first time parenting stresses as well.

Fact is:  Parenting can be DRAINING. 

It's very hard on a marriage when you don't always get the moments to recharge your batteries as husband and wife, especially in those early days.  {It's common knowledge in our household that the baby days - and most of the first year of parenting - is all about just surviving!}  Taking all this into consideration, it's likely that your emotions will get the best of you once in a while and you will make the mistake of arguing in front of your kids.  It happens!  Like I said before, it's not always common knowledge just how awful it is for parents to fight in front of the children.  While it's absolutely not a fun topic to write or read about - children deserve for their parents to preserve their innocence.  And this is precisely why writing on this topic is so important to me - if this reaches and educates another parent who can do better for their child, I will be supremely happy.

SIX "Stop Fighting in Front of your Kids" FACTS:

• Children are NOT emotionally equipped to handle fights.  There is nothing within them to handle that kind of trauma.
• When children are exposed to the tensions that accompany arguments and fighting, they begin to lose the belief in the underlying unity of the world.  At this point, they begin to believe the world is all about conflict.
• Children LEARN what they LIVE.  {It doesn't matter how much you teach your kids about being peaceful, loving and respecting others - they won't believe a word you say if you aren't practicing what you preach.} 
• Therefore, if your children seeing you bully one another, they learn to bully others.  This includes bullying you once they are in their teenage years!  Just don't condemn your children to a future with that unhealthy pattern.
• When you and your spouse lose your temper in front of your kids, don't just sweep it under the rug.  Do take a moment to apologize separately to your children.  But know that if you do this too many times, your apology will not mean very much.
• At all costs, AVOID arguing adult topics in front of your kids.  (Examples:  Your sex life, your husband's hangover, etc...)  Also, AVOID arguing about decisions concerning your kids in front of your kids.  Work out disagreements over rules for your children BEHIND closed doors.

Here is some great insight to focus on the next time you start to feel out of control for those of us who feel like we simply "can't" control our anger...

It's not that you can't... it's that you don't control your anger. Have you had fights at your boss's house? At church? At a restaurant with friends? You don't do it when you can't.

Dr. Phil

So, keep that in mind next time - you are CHOOSING to put your child in the middle of your argument.  In reality, YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL.  Take a moment and let that sink in.

When it comes to occasional, respectful disagreements in front of your kids with your spouse, those can actually be helpful for your children to witness.  It is role modeling healthy ways to deal with conflict.  After all, if your children never see healthy techniques for dealing with conflict, they will be unprepared to handle their own conflict out in the real world.  

Healthy: Forward progress and problem solving in front of your children.   
Unhealthy: Venting Resentments, name-calling, and repeating the same points over and over in front of your kids.  

As a rule of thumb, remember what I shared from Dr. Frank's marriage tips? "Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but cruelty is not. Above all, happily married partners see each other as allies, not as adversaries."   

No name calling.  No foul language.  No yelling.

These are GREAT tips for EVERY marriage - whether or not kids are involved or not.  If you are a faithful person, give yourself a moment before you engage in an argument with your spouse and pray... you would be surprised how calming this can be!

If you find that the arguing between you and your spouse is getting out of control, try not to isolate yourself.  Surround yourself with those who love you so they can support and encourage you.

Jesus said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive."  (Acts 20:35)  But I also believe that in order to truly give, you must know what it is to truly receive.  When tragedy strikes... don't cut yourself off from the world.  Instead, reach out to your friends and family, and to God.  Then you will know what it is like to receive, and as a result you will know how to give to others. 

Taken from "The Vow" - Kim and Krickitt Carpenter

And finally, if all of these tips fail... call a time-out with your spouse!  You can pick this argument back up in a more remote place - away from your children's watchful eyes and listening ears.

I need support, where do I turn?
Oprah: Fighting in Front of Your Children
Dr. Phil: Stop Fighting in Front of the Kids
The Dangers of Arguing in Front of Your Kids - family.go.com
Arguing in Front of Children - womansday.com
Smart Marriages: The coalition for marriage, family, and couples education

Marriage Monday: Marital Conflict

Happy Monday to all the husbands and wives out there and also to all those formerly married or anticipating marriage!

Let's start by taking a quick glance back at our week/weekend - what was the peak moment you had together?  What about the pit moment?  (You can share or keep it to yourself - totally up to you!)

I would say our peak moment was most of our Sunday afternoon.  We got together for a family lunch with my grandparents, mom, aunts, uncles, a few of my cousins, our significant others and our children.  It's not often we get together like that and it was really nice to get together for good food and some fun conversation.  It was nice for Tony & I to spend time with my cousin and her husband (who became parents last year as well) and their sweet baby boy to laugh about married life and poopy diapers!

Presley, me, Emory & my cousin Breanne at Presley's birthday party.
Breanne & I are just 8.5 months apart and so are our kids!

My pit of the weekend was absolutely last night.  I'm not sure if it was the time change catching up to her or what, but Presley had one of the worst evenings I can remember for a while now.  Long story short, she threw a fit just before bedtime and it really impacted her nightly routine and mood at bedtime.  It was just me and her since Tony had a basketball game and I think she didn't like that very much either.  (Daddy's girl!)  I think she finally ended up falling asleep after 9pm - which is very late for her - and after many tears, which rarely ever happens on a normal night.

Now, what does this have to do with marital conflict?  Well, I feel passionately that the pit moments in our lives are just as important and special as the peaks.  If our happiness was always at a 10 on a scale of 1-10, would we really enjoy it as much?  Would it really feel like a 10?  Of course, we don't go around asking for days where the happiness is around a 4 or 5, but in hindsight, I can typically see how I've grown after experiencing those days.  The same logic can be applied to my marriage.

We automatically assume that conflict is a BAD thing that only happens in BAD marriages but this couldn't be farther from the truth.  Studies on human behavior show that conflict is inevitable, so we know to expect disagreements and conflict within our healthy and happy marriages.  Another assumption floating around is that we need to have perfect marriages.  And considering that most people already incorrectly think of conflict as a bad thing, we are very likely to make our marriages appear to be perfect and conflict-free to those around us.  When in reality, as I said before - no matter where you live, your income, or what language you communicate with - one thing all of our marriages around the world have in common is conflict!

Knowing and accepting that your marriage is not doomed because you disagree can be a huge relief within your marriage.  What we now need to make sure we are equipped with is how to handle marital conflict.  Here are several strategies that marriage and family professionals suggest:

• Hold regular "Marriage Meetings" or "Couple Councils":  This simply means to designate a time that will work for you and your spouse to regularly get together - just the two of you - at least once every week for marriage maintenance.  We all know how when all the "little things" begin to add up, they can easily come tumbling down at any given time without proper communication.  This way, you have regular time set aside for just the two of you to talk about your marriage to reconnect.  I love this idea and will be implementing this into our week!  I'm thinking Sunday evenings would be the perfect time to unwind the happenings of the past week and recharge our batteries for the upcoming week.
• Recognize unhealthy, destructive patterns:  There are things that we tend to do when conflict arises that can perpetuate conflict instead of preventing or solving it.  The good news is, there are patterns we can be on the look-out for and once we are aware of these unhealthy patterns we can do our best to avoid using them.
  

  Harsh Start-ups (Frequently getting started on the wrong foot)
  Criticism (Complaints with the intent to attack another person's character)
  Contempt (Criticism conveying disgust)
  Invalidation (Being made to feel - or making another feel - devalued, not cared about, or put down)
  Defensiveness (Counterattacking a partner's character, reflecting blame)
  Escalation (Battling each other in a vicious cycle that spirals out of control)
  Stonewalling (Withdrawing or "pulling out" with no intent to return, disengaging)
  Flooding (Being overwhelmed by criticism, contempt, etc.)
  Negative Interpretations (Viewing motives of a partner as "out to get you" or harmful)
  The Body's Language (Overwhelming physical responses to "stress-full" interaction such as increased heart rate, tremors, anxiety, etc.)
  Failed Repair Attempts (Missed attempts to put the brakes on or "head-off" harmful communication)
  Bad Memories (Looking back on the relationship and seeing the "good gone bad" or good simply gone) 
  

  Forever Families - Handling Conflict in Marriage

  I can say that I am guilty of using more than one of these unhealthy techniques within conflict over the years, as most of them go hand-in-hand with each other.  Now that I can identify them and know what they are specifically, hopefully Tony and I can go over this list together and keep each other accountable to not use these when conflict arises. 
• Make sure to FULLY discuss a problem BEFORE trying to solve it:  Experts say that around 70% of marital problems don't actual require any "solving" - just proper discussion!  Make sure to be a good listener as your partner speaks!

  During this time, define together what the problem is, your own part in the problem, and how earlier attempts at dealing with it have proved unsuccessful. Use "I-statements" to express concerns ("I was upset when you forgot our date last week") and make two or three statements before the listener paraphrases what they heard. When listening, focus on the speaker's message and paraphrase what you heard the speaker saying, without rebuttal ("It upset you that I spaced out our date"). Make sure you are both satisfied that you have been heard and understood.

  Forever Families - Handling Conflict in Marriage

In addition to learning and adopting some of these healthy techniques, there are tons of resources out there to aid healthy habits within your marriage!  If you have any helpful resources to add, I would love to include them.

Forever Families
The Gottman Relationship Institute
Dr Phil - Advice on Marriages

So, what were your pit/peak moments of the weekend?  Feel moved to elaborate on today's topic? 
Link up with today's Marriage Monday using the button below, send me a link to your blog, and I will include the link here at the bottom of my blog for others to enjoy!

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To expand on this week's topic of conflict within your marriage, next week's Marriage Monday topic: "Fighting in Front of Your Kids"

If you would like to contribute to an upcoming Marriage Monday or suggest a topic - you can contact me at 20may2011{at}gmail{dot}com.  I'm looking for guest bloggers who would like to share about their own marriage or those who can offer advice or opinions on marriage-related topics!  
Don't be shy - we all have something wonderful to offer and your thoughts can be a breath of fresh air to another marriage!