Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

What I Have to Say About Breastfeeding

{Note: Please bear with me as I attempt to update the look & feel of my blog. I'm testing out a new layout and if it's not working for you or is harder to navigate DO let me know and I'll find something easier. Likewise, let me know if the new layout is easier to navigate or something you like better. The little things that used to live on the sidebar (over to the right) of my blog can now be found in the drop-down up in the left hand corner. This includes archived blogs, finding something by a label/keyword, popular posts, etc.}

Now. Let's get to the real reason I showed up to my blog today...

BREASTFEEDING!

I've felt so hesitant over the years to get into the nitty gritty of nursing babies for a bunch of different reasons - but no more. Today I'm going for it. Mostly thanks to the encouragement of a friend from high school who just gave birth to a truly beautiful baby girl. (Congratulations Wyatt & Jessica and welcome to the world sweet Lennon!) Sharing my experience with breastfeeding has been on my mind after a good conversation recently with my friend Marcennia as well. So a big thank you to both of these ladies for unknowingly nudging me to hop back on my blog and write.

For those who might be new around here: I'm a mom x3. I gave birth in 2012 to a girl, 2014 to another girl, and 2016 to a boy. Baby #1 breastfed for 23 months and baby #2 for 19 months or so. (Sorry Molly - I don't remember it as exactly!) I'm still breastfeeding baby #3 and we're nearing the 6 month mark! I feel like this will be a good reference when it comes to writing about my various breastfeeding journeys.

I'd like to start by talking about the breastfeeding worries and struggles I encountered each time.

I don't remember seeing people breastfeed or talking much about it growing up. We lived in Illinois when I was pregnant with my first baby and I went to all kinds of amazing, free parenting classes offered at Pregnancy Resources there in town. Thankfully, this included a class that solely focused on breastfeeding. I remember seeing so many bare breasts in a video that day and I couldn't stop giggling to myself. (I was 23 at the time and a lot less privy to these types of images back then.) At the end of class that day the instructor opened it up to questions from the parents-to-be. I wondered - out loud - if we were supposed to clean/sanitize our nipples before and after every feeding. This was literally how clueless I was to all things breastfeeding back then! (For those of you wondering... the answer is no!) 

Like so many other women I know, before ever having breastfed, my only real frame of reference for breasts in general was sexual. There is nothing inherently wrong with breasts being sexy - I totally agree that they are and love my breasts. But before beginning my breastfeeding journey these images were at war for me... how could breasts be sexual AND be something I fed my baby with? I worried about that quite a bit before having baby #1 and then again before having baby #3, which was my first boy. What was it going to be like breastfeeding a boy? Again, those anxieties came creeping back in. Which now sounds so silly to me - but at the time it was real. To any person who might be wondering about the same things - let me put your mind at ease.

1. There is nothing sexy about feeding your baby. It doesn't look sexual or feel sexual. Trust me!

2. There are plenty of body parts that serve us in multiple tasks which have nothing to do with one another. Take your mouth for example. You use it to eat and drink. You use your mouth to kiss someone. Two totally different functions and they don't effect the other. 

So please try not to worry about it. And if you still feel nervous about it or anything when it comes to breastfeeding, feel free to reach out to me or someone you know who has breastfed and who you can trust. It helps so much to talk your worries out and get some support! I mean it - I am totally here to support you.

I ran into different struggles with breastfeeding over the years, too. With baby #1 the hugest struggle was BOTH baby and I learning at the same time how breastfeeding worked. We were both on that learning curve and everything was new. It's hard to have no confidence in what you're doing when it comes to feeding your baby! I had help from the lactation consultant in the hospital but even that ended up being a little stressful. I remember the LC really put an emphasis on doing all the various breastfeeding positions (cradle, football hold, cross-cradle...) maybe because Presley's latch wasn't the best. But I ended up feeling so overwhelmed having to switch up the position with every feeding. We used a nipple shield a lot in the very beginning. One of the worst parts in the first few weeks were my cracked, bleeding nipples. (Thank you God for Lanolin cream!!!) It caused me a lot of pain & anxiety to put baby to breast knowing it was going to cause pain. Thankfully that was relatively short lived. Oh and another struggle? Leaking. I had no idea you needed breast pads! So once my milk came in I was a mess. Literally.

After having baby #2 I had some complications after my epidural that left me with a spinal fluid leak and debilitating head aches. For the first two weeks of her life I literally had to lay flat to escape the worst of the pain. Not being able to sit up to nurse her was pretty difficult but thankfully I was able to nurse her in the side-lying position. She seemed gassy and unhappy often and I think I had a strong letdown as well as a hind/fore milk imbalance. Once I figured those out and took steps to fix that it got better.

When it came time to breastfeed baby #3 I felt so confident. His first latch went great and it was honestly like riding a bike for me. (Once learned, never forgotten.) We got him home and man was a knocked down several rungs! I seemed to have a hind/fore milk imbalance again along with a strong letdown. Baby #3 was also very refluxy, gassy, and very unhappy as a result. I thought he might have a tongue or lip tie but that was ultimately ruled out. We got him on reflux medicine because he was projectile vomiting several times a day at this point. A month into his meds nothing was helping and it seemed like his mood had worsened. At this point not only was baby #3 gaining weight, he was gaining a lot of weight. He was prescribed a stronger medicine for the reflux but I just didn't feel right about it. I didn't give him the medicine to see if it helped his mood and symptoms or made them worse. Long story short - he did better off the medicine and eventually the vomiting was down to only once a day and then lessened from there. During this time I wanted to quit breastfeeding. I felt like it was so hard, I wasn't figuring out how to make these issues stop, and I didn't see the point of continuing all this stress on my part. Surely bottles and formula would be a hell of a lot easier that what I was currently dealing with AND I wouldn't be the only one in charge of feeding him.

And that struggle - the feeling that so much falls directly on my shoulders for baby's wellbeing - is something that I felt so strongly early on in my breastfeeding journey each time. I can't be away from baby very long... ever... especially in the beginning. (Not without introducing a bottle to baby - which can be stressful - as well as pumping milk beforehand and pumping while I'm gone so my supply isn't affected.) Another struggle all three times was breastfeeding in public. It can be scary and uncomfortable mostly because you just don't know how other people will react to it. And if you're a habitual people pleaser like I am you worry about what even the strangest of strangers think of you. Which I know is so silly but it still gives me a little anxiety from time to time. What I've come to realize is that my children take top priority. If my baby is hungry I'm going to feed him. If that makes someone else mad then it makes them mad and there is nothing I can do to control their feelings. Sure, I can nurse in a bathroom but I absolutely refuse to do that. I find it demeaning. And gross. And ladies, it helps so much to know your legal rights in regards to breastfeeding. I feel so much better when I remember that breastfeeding mothers and their children are protected and allowed to nurse in public.

If you have a partner - God bless them! Enlist their help. Their encouragement and support can make all the difference. Since you do the majority of the feeding you get so much bonding time & snuggles with your baby that they might feel they're missing out on. Here are some of my favorite ways for them to get involved:

1. Water refills. Tony is so good about this! If he notices my water is empty then he'll fill it up for me - especially while I'm feeding the baby.
2. You're in charge of the input so they can take care of the output! Simply put: they can change the diapers. In the middle of the night when baby #3 wakes up I'll wake my husband up. He changes the diaper while I use the restroom and get situated & ready to nurse. It might sound small but it helps me tremendously... mostly it just helps me to feel like I'm not in this on my own. Which I'm not!
3. Taking care of the older kids while you nurse baby!
4. Getting you a new breast pad!
5. Bringing baby to you while you get set up to breastfeed.
6. Burping the baby after you're all done! Honestly it's such a good way for daddy & baby to bond.
7. Your partner can take baby in between feedings for you.
8. Your partner can make you a snack or meal, too!

And don't be afraid to ask for help! You're doing some serious, awesome work for your family. If your partner is anything like mine then they're grateful for your sacrifice and hard work and are happy to be there for you. My guy has really gone above & beyond to support and encourage me breastfeeding our kids. He advocates for breastfeeding and it's really been a joy to see him become passionate about it over the years!

All of this leads me to my favorite part - my breastfeeding tips, advice, and a few heads-up!

• Set small, attainable goals. And definitely start small in the beginning. With baby #1 I think my first goal was the first six weeks. When I felt like it would be easier to quit breastfeeding I would go back and look at the benefits my baby was reaping at each milestone. (I literally can't tell you how many times I visited that website during my first breastfeeding journey.) This helped me tremendously to stick with it. My next goal was to make it to three months. After that it was six months. Then nine months. And all along my overall goal was one year.
• Find your village. This looks different from everyone. I reached out for support to my Facebook friends in the early days with baby #1 and without their kindness and help I really wouldn't have made it as far as I did. Some people have great La Leche League groups in their area. This time around I'm part of a Breastfeeding Moms of Memphis group on Facebook that has been an invaluable resource. (More on my village a little later!)
• Nurse laying down! Seriously. Try it. It is a life saver - especially when you are recovering from childbirth. Or sick. Or exhausted. This position literally saved our breastfeeding journey while I was dealing with the spinal fluid leak after baby #2. It has allowed me to nap next to my baby as I feed them on numerous occasions. It's the best!
• Invest in a breastfeeding support pillow and a nice nursing cover. I have two Boppy pillows and use them every single day. I've had several nursing covers over the years and my favorite cover is also made by Boppy. One of my favorite features is that you can fold it up into a little bag so it's easy to throw in your purse, diaper bag, or car and take it with you. It also actually covers everything so I feel a lot more comfortable nursing in public.
• WATER. Water. Water. Drink lots of it. Get a nice, big cup with a lid. Fill it up before you sit down to nurse. You'll feel better and it's imperative to keep your milk supply up.
• Breast pads, nursing bras, & nursing camis. Find what you like and get a bunch of them. It'll come in handy - especially when your hormones are a mess after childbirth and you sweat like crazy or when baby spits up on you often in the beginning and you're ALWAYS washing your bras and camis. I love these breast pads but I'm honestly not all that picky these days. I also really like comfy nursing bras with no underwire or extra padding. But that's just me!
• Just know that the distracted phase is real!!! It starts when baby is around 5 months and wow is it annoying! All of sudden baby just starts noticing everything around them ALL the time and will get distracted so easily. You can call it stop-and-go breastfeeding because that's what it's like... one moment baby is latched and drinking milk and the next he pops off and is babbling or trying to roll over or laughing. It helps to nurse in a dark, quiet room during this phase... but those of you with multiple kids will laugh along with me because that's just not an option. Oh and surprise... there is an arm-fat-pinching phase, too. 
• Biting while breastfeeding happens - and this often starts before any teeth show up. And it hurts like hell. It's also totally normal but that doesn't mean you have to suffer through it. You can fish hook your finger inside their mouth to break the seal they have on your nipple. You can also push their face into your breast. Sounds weird but it works. I also got some advice from a family member to flick their nose (NOT hard enough to injure them but enough to surprise them) and tell them "No biting!" when that happens. They don't like that! And that has helped all 3 of my kids to stop. Fun fact: When your baby is correctly latched they cannot bite you. Usually my kids would bite me once they were done nursing and before I took them off the breast. Teething is no fun but if you are prepared for how to deal with the biting then it should be much smoother sailing!!
• Finally, find your groove and what works for you. Sometimes that will mean using certain breastfeeding holds or doing breast compressions if your milk is slow to letdown each time. Other times it's learning to only breastfeed on one breast at each feeding because you have an oversupply. If you gave birth at a hospital with a lactation consultant you can often go back and visit them for free advice and help - make sure to call and schedule an appointment. Lactation consultants - in my experience - love what they do and they're passionate about helping you and baby learn the ropes. You might feel like your questions or concerns are small or trivial & it might require you to step out of your comfort zone but trust me it is totally worth the time and energy to ask for help & get the extra support.

I've had wonderful support within my family as well & I'm gonna take a moment to shout them out. My mom has been supportive from the beginning and breastfed me for six weeks when I was a baby! Thank you, Mom! My sisters & cousin have been there for me - not just because they love me but in their own unique ways, too. My big sister & cousin have been in the trenches with me over the last five years. My little sister has been in nursing school or working as a RN and has been ultra supportive and informative, too. My mother-in-law doesn't bat an eye while I'm breastfeeding.  We've got all kinds of family and friends who have been supportive and loving and I am so grateful for all of you!


When I felt like quitting in the first few weeks with baby #3 my village supported me in their various ways. Tony reminded me of the health benefits & that formula wouldn't solve baby's issues either. My big sister reminded me it was totally okay to quit and formula was awesome. My mother-in-law straight up told me I couldn't quit. Most importantly was that they cared enough to weigh in and be there for me!

And above everything else, I couldn't have breastfed without my three kiddos. They're awesome little rockstars who make me want to be the best version of myself. They're also the reason I started drinking coffee regularly... #mommyconfession

Baby 3.0: 19 Weeks + Mother's Day!

Thank goodness we finally felt the baby kicking around this last week. Yep, not just me but Tony, too, felt the baby kick. It couldn't have happened at a more perfect time either. We were in the middle of a conversation about possibly calling the doctor's office the next day - I had a lot of anxiety about being nearly 19 weeks along and not feeling movement - when this baby decides to start kicking me. Tony put his hand on my belly and felt it, too! So wonderful. I'm still not feeling a whole lot of movement or kicking but at least once a day puts my mind at ease.

My "cravings" lately include Taco Bell soft tacos (which is a place I have not eaten at for a long time before this pregnancy), hot Cheetos, and my homemade Shepherd's Pie (though technically I should refer to my recipe as Cottage Pie since I use beef instead of lamb). And if I had to choose what I think I'm having, right now I would choose a boy. But for the record, I thought the same thing when I was pregnant with Presley! We find out on Wednesday and I can not wait to find out! 

19 weeks along carrying baby #3, Molly, and Presley from left to right.

Today was Mother's Day and I hope everyone enjoyed their day. Tony made sure I had no choice but to have a great day and I'm so blessed to have him. I got the best wakeup call and an incredibly thoughtful card from the girls and one from him and a new pair of tennis shoes. We got to relax around the house this morning and met Selena & Mike for a late lunch at Cracker Barrel - which was sooo delicious!!! I love getting all together and I know the girls especially love it. When we got in the car and started heading home Presley told me even though she knew it couldn't be, she wished Grandmommy and Papa could be her parents! So adorable. 

On the way home Tony wanted to drive through Shelby Farms because it's so beautiful. When we came up to the water there were still so many paddle boats out and we've been talking about wanting to do that with the girls for the last several weeks. He parks & hops out of the car to ask about it and comes back with a ticket and told us we were going now! The girls were ECSTATIC. What we didn't really think through was what we were wearing... which was dress shoes for Tony and a dress and sandals for me. And I was in the front of the boat... so anybody out at Shelby Farms this evening who probably got flashed by me - I apologize! Once we were out in the water, Molly decided she didn't want to stay sitting so that coupled with my underwear probably showing the entire time and the wrong choice in footwear for us both, we headed back earlier than we had to. I'm so grateful to be married to a man who doesn't quit... a guy who still looks to surprise me with fun, new, exciting things. 

Couldn't love Molly's serious face more if I tried.

This smile absolutely makes my life so bright.

From start to finish it was a happy day! Certainly not perfect as there were several meltdowns throughout the day from Molly and a few tearful moments from Presley... not to mention my own occasional bad attitude (mostly just the constant underwear flashing ordeal). These girls make me a much better person than I was ever before and I am so glad for every new day we have together. Motherhood over these last four years has been the most difficult and most rewarding experiences... I know it is so cliche to say but I don't know a better way to put it. It has changed everything! Becoming parents has been a catalyst in our marriage in an amazing way and I have never loved Tony more.

And only two more days until we find out a little bit more about our third baby! Happy Mother's Day to every one.

A Happy Mother's Day.

Yesterday was just one of those perfect days.  My husband started off the day by giving me the gift of sleep.  And when I did get my wake up call, it was my husband and my two year old daughter coming in the room to wake me up - which was a great, warm feeling!  When they came in to wake me, they also brought me a super sweet Mother's Day card that they made together... the BEST kind.  I got to play in bed with Presley for a little while before getting up and getting ready.

Next on the schedule?  We drove down to Tunica, Mississippi to have lunch with his parents at Sam's Town Casino's buffet.  They have Corky's BBQ - so I had DELICIOUS ribs for the first time since being back in Memphis.  Delicious!  My mother-in-law even pointed out that the dessert bar had no-sugar added options for me!!  We always have so much fun with my in-laws, Selena & Mike, and Presley just adores them so much. 

Oh, and did I mention, I didn't change a single diaper?  I didn't even dress Presley yesterday... my husband did!  And she looked adorable.  (Oh and of course, Presley and Tony being the buddies they are... she decided to not poop at all yesterday.  So typical!)  Tony also gave Presley her bath last night!!!  These things were so welcomed and appreciated, especially with this almost-32-week-pregnancy-belly in my way of things.

My husband is such a giving man and I felt so loved yesterday after his gifts to me.  As I've mentioned here before, I have been struggling with anxiety about this pregnancy as well as the big changes that await us and yesterday was such a welcome reprieve from all of that.  Today, I feel more equipped for everything going on and the things yet to come as well.  It's really amazing how healing some family time (coupled with some relaxation) can be for the soul.

And as always, I spent the day thinking about the influential women in my life - the ladies who have been mothers to me through their love and encouragement.  I'm lucky to have been born into an incredible family and to be accepted into another.  I am lucky to have aunts, grandmothers, a mother-in-law, and mom to support me and the people I love most.  As if those gifts aren't enough... every single one of those ladies has given birth to some of the best people ever - some who I consider my best friends!  And knowing how tough parenthood can be - knowing these women were able to do it, usually several times over, gives me strength that I can, too.

I hope everybody had a nice Mother's Day.  Whether you were looking for a fun and adventurous day or a calm, relaxing day or maybe you just needed a reminder as to why you are doing this whole crazy parenting thing - I really hope you were able to enjoy the day and the things it offered to you.

Currently {link up} x16

Linking up with Harvesting Kale.

This week's prompts are {dropping, making, wearing, kissing, keeping}

DROPPING:  If I physically drop something these days, it's a struggle to pick it back up.  And if I bend too many times in a row then you can pretty much guarantee I'm following it up right away with a trip to the bathroom to pee!

MAKING:  I am too proud of myself and some good deals NOT to talk about it - but yesterday, I made Target my bitch.  I went in armed with physical coupons, coupons from their Cartwheel app, and text coupons (you can currently get some for your own by texting THANKS to 827438).  On top of that, I took advantage of some of their gift card deals (for example: buy 3 UP&UP Paper Towel bundles and get a $5 gift card) and also bought a truckload of fresh meat that was marked down as it was nearing it's "sell by" date.  Just from coupons and promotions, I ended up saving $52 yesterday.  And I am not extreme about it whatsoever (my final bill was over $100)... but I certainly enjoy getting awesome deals (I got a pound of very lean ground beef for $2.52 after it being on sale, having a $2 off coupon attached to it since it was nearing the "sell by" date, and a 5% off coupon from Cartwheel) and doubling/tripling coupons... I just leave with a really good feeling knowing I am saving our family some money on stuff that is really great quality and on things we will 100% be using.  It makes ever buying things for full price a little difficult for me!  The lady who checked me out at Target yesterday kept saying, "Oh girl, that is a really good deal..." or "Dang! You got that for cheap! I need to go get me one of those..." and it was cracking me up!


WEARING:  My new pair of maternity compression pants from Old Navy.  I had a pair throughout my last pregnancy and just fell in love with them.  I continued to wear them occasionally when I wasn't pregnant and then again during this pregnancy (all.the.time.) so they were pretty worn out.  I replaced them and HOLY canoli... they are even more perfect than the first pair.  They are pretty much like yoga pants that just hug you all day long.  Who doesn't want to spend the day being hugged??

KISSING:  Time with my husband goodbye.  Between him working long days six days a week and his various activites after work... I just give up.  I literally HATE being a downer on my blog, but it's been a sore spot lately and I don't foresee it getting any better.  And I hate it.  I know you can't have your cake and eat it too... but the pace of life right now and the uneven balance between busyness and family time is making me resentful.  Both of us failing to make it a priority to talk everything out adds to the failure right now.  I know it's 110% NORMAL for marriages to have ups and downs and struggles - but when you are in the middle of it and feel like the only one in the battle, it really sucks.

KEEPING:  In mind that everything is cyclical and things get better.

Brave.

After talking with someone I see on a regular basis about parenthood, somehow the subject of postpartum depression came up.  I don't remember how, but I am so thankful it did.  After sharing a bit about my PPD experience, this someone in my life opened up to tell me about their experience.  It was moving and I couldn't help but get goosebumps throughout listening to her story.  I could relate SO much to what she was telling me!

But perhaps the most moving part about our conversation was the fact that she had only told ONE other person about her postpartum depression experience.  That broke my heart.  She had been carrying these feelings and struggles around for several years and she said after hearing me say that she's not alone in feeling the way she felt - this friend told me a weight had been lifted from her that was so heavy.  Just by this ONE conversation.

As I told you, I was moved.  So moved that I've decided to have several friends guest blog about their PPD experiences in hopes to demystify some of the misunderstandings or unknowns.  I want to spread some awareness about something that affects 20% of all postpartum women.  {For those who might not understand that clearly: That means roughly 20% of all women following childbirth.}  Did you know that rough estimates from 2010 suggested that 1.3 million women experience PPD every year?  That number is higher than the number of people who sprain their ankle every year.  That number is higher than the number of people who have a stroke every year.  Hard to believe, isn't it, that it affects such a large number of people and yet there are so many who are too intimidated to ask for help.

So, I hope you will join me over the next few weeks as I feature a few brave and beautiful mothers who will be sharing their intimate stories.

Baby Number Two.

Now don't get too excited, there is no baby on the way!  But it seems like this is a popular topic of discussion lately.  It's really no wonder I've had baby fever!

Why Tony and I are talking about it:

We are at a pretty great stage right now.  Presley is becoming more self sufficient.  We are well enough out of the newborn phase where all of the "there is no way in HELL I am ever doing this again!" has worn off.  And not only that, but Presley is such a jewel in our life that it is a motivator for wanting another!  Who would have thought!?  I just find myself thinking all the time how blessed we would be to have another beautiful child when I look at Presley.

Why others are talking about it:

No more exciting pregnancy stuff and no more exciting newborn stuff... people are ready for some excitement from us, it seems, because as I said before - expanding our family is a subject that's come up with friends & family lately.  And really, it isn't something that bothers me like I thought it would.  I like talking about the possibilities of expanding our family and I enjoy hearing experiences and opinions from other people.  Maybe this is because I am very comfortable with my life right now...  I don't feel the need to people-please anymore like I have for so much of my life... I feel like I can stand on my own feet and state my opinion without apologizing for it.

But also, I think it's just a comfortable topic for people to talk about.  Which is funny, if you think about it, considering what an intimate decision it is.

Of course, there are reasons why we would want to postpone at this point in our life.

We aren't at a place of permanent residence.  We'd like to own a home and ideally, move out of the Midwest within the year.  And if we move, that means new job(s) and all sorts of uncertainties that come along with that.

Time with Presley.  Of course, Presley wouldn't be going anywhere if another child were brought into the scene, but some days we really relish the moments we have with her and think - it might be nice being just the three of us for some time (or always).  And then there are the days where I am feeling frazzled (why is she not eating ANYTHING I give her?  Really... throwing another fit?  Waking up an hour earlier than usual all week!?) for different reasons and think... okay, maybe one is ENOUGH for now.

I used to think that the main motivator for expanding our family would be based on the proximity of age between our kids - I love that my sisters and I are close in age and have always theoretically wanted that for my children as well.  But I don't even think Tony and I talk much about that point.  I just thought about it the other day and the if we got pregnant at this point our kids would be two years apart.  That sounds insane on so many levels!  Thinking about Presley as a two year old?  Thinking about Presley as a sibling?  Starting all over in the baby stage - what are we thinking?  I just can't imagine those possibilities because it seems so different from our current life.  But it doesn't sound too bad to my ears lately.  The possibility of expanding our hearts and making room for another set of grimy hands in our house has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.  I'm not sure if it's just a little phase I'm going through (what most call "baby fever") or if it's a more permanent longing... I've asked myself an lot recently... idea or reality...  do I like the reality of adding another child into the mix or the idea?  But if you knew me 15 months ago, would you have EVER guessed I'd want another child?!  Absolutely makes me chuckle!!!

I guess at this point, I am open to new possibilities.  And it is really a freeing and peaceful feeling.  Though, no body get your hopes up.  I don't remember if I've shared very much about it in any of my previous posts (other than briefly in my guest post), but all the ups and downs in my cycles are still just as prevalent after having Presley as they were before.  Since my PCOS was diagnosed on symptoms alone (no further testing) I sometimes doubt the diagnosis, but other times when I read more about it... it's hard to dispute.  Though, it would be nice and give me peace of mind to really confirm whether or not I have PCOS through some form of medical testing or further investigation.  {I recently had my thyroid tested and the results came back normal... so at least we know it's not that!}

And, of course, all things considered, this is really only MY opinion on the matter that I've shared, not so much my husbands.  He sways back and forth between the possibilities, but right now, he is more inclined to wish we'd postpone at the time being.  {Reason #5 that I love my husband:  He is almost always the yin to my yang while remaining a part of the same team.  I love it and I love him for it.}  So we will see when and if there will ever be a baby Duggan #2 in our near or more distant future... but for now it is sure a fun topic to think about!

I'm a Mother Lover!

How was everyone's Mothers Day?!  I hope it was exactly what you needed it to be, whether that is relaxing, adventurous, or somewhere in between!

I spent the majority of Mothers Day this past Sunday with my husband, daughter, and mom in Peoria, Illinois - which is about 1.5 hours from where we live.  Well, let me back up a bit... the first surprise of the day was Presley waking us up an hour earlier than she normally does - silly girl!  And then Tony made the most delicious breakfast tacos for us before we left for Peoria - Italian sausage, red bell pepper, hash browns, and scrambled eggs!!!  Then we played at home with Presley, my mom came over, and we hit the road.  My husband then surprised me by taking us to McAlister's Deli for lunch, which was one of our all-time favorite places to eat when we lived in Memphis.  Peoria is the closest location for us so in the past we've tripped to Peoria solely for McAlister's - sad but true!  I love my husband for doing that.  My mom was trying to guess all the way what Tony had planned for us and she had guessed we were going to the Peoria Zoo.  It's a beautiful zoo but we had been there a few times before so I didn't think Tony would be taking us there.  And I was right because he pulled up to a place I'd never seen before - Wildlife Prairie State Park!  Everything was BEAUTIFUL from the animals to the enclosures they were in, everything was just wonderful to look at!  One of our favorite things was that the animals are all native to the area and so their enclosures were very natural to the environment and looked incredibly low-maintenance.  We plan to go back sometime this summer or fall with our nice camera (versus the cameras on our phones) and with our jogging stroller (versus our umbrella stroller with crappy tires not made for walking trails).

Before we really started the day Sunday, I put together some pictures of some of the most important Mothers in our lives.  I didn't do a very good job at sending Mothers Days cards out this year to the moms in my life because at times I see cards as being frivolous - don't we all end up throwing them out after a while anyways?  To me, the most important part is the sentiments that are scrawled within the cards, not so much the cards themselves.  Well, unfortunately, we were so busy between visiting Peoria and a cookout back in the Quad Cities with family that I didn't really make the time to let those moms know I was thinking of them!  So here I am a day two days late to make up for it!

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Here are our beautiful grandmothers - Sharon Catherine (my maternal grandmother), Evangeline Sue (Tony's maternal grandmother), Alma Lou (Tony's paternal grandmother), and Elinor Rose (my paternal grandmother).  We are so grateful to have 3 out of our 4 grandmothers still here with us and consider ourselves supremely blessed to have gotten to know each of them throughout our lives.  (Though, I really wish Presley had the opportunity to get to know her Great Grandmommy just as much as I wish I had gotten to know her.  That is her on the top right holding my husband, Tony, when he was a little guy!)  Our grandmothers brought some of the most important and influential people in our lives - our parents and our aunts and uncles!  And where on EARTH would we be without them?!  Not only that, but our grandmothers are responsible for turning our parents into the thoughtful, loving, and caring people we have known them to be today.  All 4 are known for being STRONG women who have taught us how important it is to set goals for ourselves and to ever stop achieving.  Not only that, but they've always loved us, given us some of the most fun memories, and they've occasionally spoiled us!  Thank you for the various legacies you've started for our families, we promise to continue and honor them.

Here is my lovely mother-in-law, Selena Jane.  I've gotten to know Selena over the last ten years or so and I don't think anything has bonded me to her quite as closely as giving birth to her granddaughter has.  Don't get me wrong, I've felt close to Selena for many years, but sharing the rights to Presley has really just taken our relationship together to a whole new level and I am lucky to consider my mother-in-law as one of my closest friends!  Not only did she raise my husband to be the man he is (and my hilarious brother-in-law!), but she has loved Tony's father all these years as well as overcome some great adversities - all which has been an example to those around her of what a courageous & dedicated woman she is to herself and to her family.  I look forward to the years in which we live closer, Selena!  For all girl slumber parties and going for pedicures with Presley, for family dinners with ALL of us together again, and making new family traditions and memories.  Thank you so much for making a space for me in your heart and your family - I promise to always do the very same for you!

And here is my mom, Julie Marie!  I'm lucky enough to just live about 4 miles down the road from her and know that if I ever need her help, then I can count on her to help me out.  Everyone has always told me I looked exactly like her and it's pretty cool to carry on the tradition and hearing how much my daughter looks like me!  I am so grateful for my mom being brave enough to face childbirth not once or twice, but three times over - not only giving life to me but to my two sisters as well.  And if anyone knows me, they know how much my sisters mean to me!  How can I ever repay the woman who not only brought me into this world but my two best friends as well?  I will always love my mom and will always support her because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be who I am today!  I couldn't imagine a better Mom and wouldn't ask for anyone but her.  I love you mom - Happy Mothers Day!  Thanks for taking care of me for all these years - changing countless poopy diapers, cleaning up the throw up, & giving us a house that was truly a home to us for so many years.  It's our 26th Mothers Day together... here's hoping we have many more together and lots of reasons to celebrate over our time together!!!

And a special Happy Mothers Day to all my blog friends - those who are trying to conceive, those who are expecting, those who celebrated with their kiddos, and everyone in between!  Happy Mothers Day to my sister, Amanda, and my cousin, Breanne, who celebrated their FIRST Mothers Day with their sweet babies this year.  Happy Mothers Day to my sweet friend, Ashley, who is celebrating her first pregnant Mothers Day and will soon have a beautiful boy to keep her busy!  Happy Mothers Day to our beautiful aunts - Jill, Donna, Kelly, Angie, & Carrie and also to Tony's beautiful step-Grandmother, Judy!  I hope you all had wonderful days and know that I was thinking of all of you this past Sunday!!!  Now everybody, take a moment and say a prayer of thanksgiving for your mother (and if you're not the praying type, find a way to show her how much she means to you and if she is no longer with you, find a way to honor all that she was to you in your daily life!) - no matter the relationship you have with your mother, she brought you into this world and for that we all have something to be thankful for!

Giving Thanks.

Like I did last year, I'd like to post 10 things that I am thankful for this year for Thanksgiving.  True to form, I am a little late in putting my blessings into writing - just like last year... but better late than never!  (Which is pretty much my life motto.)

Being a stay at home mom.  I know I am lucky to be able to stay home with Presley each day.  Though it's been something I have taken for granted from time to time, I can see that in hindsight it has given the two of us the chance to create an unbreakable bond.  I feel that this was especially important especially since I was experiencing the baby blues (if not post-partum depression) big time in the beginning - if we hadn't gotten this chance to work on our bond then I have no idea what our relationship would look like at this point.  Just solidifies my belief in everything happening for a reason.

My husband's job.  If it wasn't for Tony's job and the fact that he is such a hardworking, dedicated man, I wouldn't have the opportunity to stay home with Presley full time.  He has gotten laid off from work in the past, but thank the Lord, that hasn't happened since becoming pregnant or bringing Presley home.  We. Are. So. Blessed.  He loves Presley so much, so I know what a sacrifice it is for him to wake up at the crack of dawn and leave his family each day, but we are so thankful for such an amazing man in our life.

Reliable transportation.  A few months ago I was having car trouble and it got progressively worse really quickly and because it is a 1992, we figured that maybe it was time to say goodbye to my car.  Thankfully, that was not the case!  All that needed to be replaced was the timing belt and thanks to our trusty mechanic, it was also fixable within our budget.  We had planned to buy a new family car in a year or so, but because my car was gone for a while (and Tony's civic is a two-door & not much of a family car), we decided to go ahead and buy our family car!  So now I drive our Honda Fit and Tony drives our '92 Corolla to work everyday.  The extra bills are a pain in the ass, but thankfully we are also making that work as well.

Presley.  She has the best laugh, the sweetest smile, and a personality that I'm in awe of.  She makes me want to be a better person every second.  God knew what he was doing when he sent Presley to us; she made our new, little family so solid - even though at any given moment we felt like we were on shaky grounds because we had absolutely no idea what we were doing!  When we first brought Presley home, I was almost mourning over the fact that it would never be just the two of us (Tony and I) ever again... mostly because it had been just us two for so many years through dating and our engagement.  We have a greater appreciation for our alone time as husband and wife so much more than before.  Presley has given us such a sense of purpose - whoever said threes a crowd was certainly not talking about our family!  She is the best baby we could have ever been given.

My husband.  I could never have asked for a more fun partner or a more loving father for our kids (assuming we will have more in the future).  Though we continue to have our ups and downs, we work through them and love each other more through each bump in the road.  Our life may not be full of glamor - usually it's full of diapers & drool, but it is full of huge smiles.  And I would marry him all over again in a heartbeat.

Weekly play dates.  I can NOT forget to mention the weekly play dates Megan and I have been having because they have really kept me sane and given me so much to look forward to every week!  We are so blessed to have friends with girls around the same age as Presley; not only are they going to be great friends to Presley over the years, but they have already helped Presley learn new things!  After each of our play dates, Presley comes home doing something new almost every time.  Alli and Molly have taught her how to wave, how to use her voice, and even how to army crawl.  I know she would have done these things eventually, but I kid you not, she watches these girls and imitates them like crazy!  And I am so lucky to have Megan as a friend!!!  I consider myself very lucky to know the Ebner/Darras family.

 Friends.  The friends who still want to be with me even though I've changed so much in the last year; who are truly understanding of my insatiable need to be with my family as much as I can since bringing Presley home; friends that have no problem picking up where we left off - whether it was a few days since we last talked or a few months.  I really have learned that it's quality, not quantity when it comes to friends - that has never been more true than now.  And dear lord, I cannot forget to mention my mom friends. I've gotten so much help along the way from various mom friends through encouraging words, listening ears, helpful advice, hand-me-downs, and unconditional support and love!  If it takes a village to raise a child, it certainly takes just as much if not more to condition a mama!  I'd be lost without everyone along the way - including all my fellow blog moms.

Health.  Enough said.  We are happy and healthy and that is something I will never, ever forget to give thanks for.

Family.  I know bragging is an unbecoming quality, but you guys, I have the best in-laws imaginable - I am SO in love with Tony's family!  Though I have known and loved them for quite some time now, they continue to surprise me with how much they care about one another and the amount of love and support they give freely.  I'm also so thankful for all our family members who have brought little ones into this crazy world this past year - Tony's cousin Danielle had baby boy John in May, my sister Amanda had baby girl Anne Marie in July, and my cousin Breanne had baby boy Emory this month!  Presley is going to be blessed with playmates and I've already been so blessed with having these three new moms to lean on!  Not to mention, my little sister Ashley has just been such a blessing in showing so much love and understanding and support to me throughout the last nine months - I can always turn to her and I am so thankful that will always stay the same.  I'm also thankful for having my mom live so close to us as well as the amazing time we had with my family (plus all the amazing Asians!!!!) for Thanksgiving!

Goals.  This might seem a little weird - but I am so thankful for the goals we've set for our family.  I know that our plans aren't always the plans God have for us - and BOY have we learned that over the last year!!! - but I am so hopeful and excited for our future... wherever that may lead us. 



What are you guys most thankful for this year?