Guilt and Grief.

Grief -- the deep sorrow caused from someone's departure in your life -- is such an interesting concept.

I've found there is nothing small about grief. But there are both small moments and big moments when you experience your grief. Lately it is the small ones that creep up on me and stick with me the longest. Like ordering our most recent family photos and Crosby's two year portraits. We had two less "staple" people to order for this time. It felt like a punch in the gut. And now we're approaching Christmas card season and I feel that deep sorrow by such a "small" moment all over again. Not being able to write Granny or Gramma Myers on the list. It just drives home the reality once again that these people are gone from us.

One of the biggest feelings accompanying my grief these days is guilt. I could have and should have seen them more. Spent more time calling them and visiting them. Not out of some sense of obligation but because I genuinely know what I am missing out on now. I didn't see it clearly when they were still here and I failed to make the most of my time with them.

It's been an entire month without Granny. And I have yet to put into words what the woman meant to me. I've been putting it off. Telling myself I'm not ready... that there is no rush... and I need to wait until I can get it just right. But I don't know if or when that time will ever come.

For me writing is therapeutic. My words flow out of me, almost like I can't stop them. When both Darryl and Gramma Myers died, I automatically started writing. I didn't make the choice to say something about them rather I just couldn't help but write in those moments. And I'm so proud of the the reflection of the people I love within those two pieces of writing. I expected the same thing to happen for Granny. But every time I approach that door of trying to write from my heart about Granny, I just cannot open it. Even now I feel choked up. Almost like I can't breathe. And it's not that I'm afraid to cry or to feel but I can't find appropriate time to do that with the kids around me just about 24 hours a day every day. And then there is the guilt that I feel so broken up over losing Granny, as if it's not my place to feel such huge grief over losing her. Like I should get my shit together and keep it together to accept the grief of others around me, closer to her.

Grief and guilt and gridlock.

So while this is a post about Granny, it's not THE post about Granny.

More on that later.

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Growing Up

A while back I came across Jennifer's Blog (Baby Making Machine) and her list of "30 things my kids should know about me" and I instantly fell in love with the idea. So here I go at tackling all 30 prompts and maybe even adding on some bonus questions of my own. 

Today I'm addressing lucky #13 on the list: What’s the hardest part of growing up? 

I think, in general, one of the most difficult part of growing up is moving from a me-centric life to the opposite. When you're a baby you can do absolutely nothing for yourself and while you gain small independences (is that a real word?) over time, for most of your childhood you depend on your parents for so much.

Baby me & my dad|1988

Then adolescence comes around and for most of us we live as if the world revolves around our wants and needs as we really have no one else to care for other than ourselves. You journey into adulthood and if you're like me you eventually get engaged and married and it's all about me-me-me-us-us-us for a while due to the celebrating through parties, showers, and culminating in the beautiful wedding day!

And then for me, adulthood REALLY hit when we brought Presley home. That is the moment where it really went from me-centric to focusing my attention, efforts, energy, thoughts, etc. on a whole different little person.

Me, Tony, & Presley| first week as a family of 3|February 2012

Don't get me wrong, I have loved and cared about another person for lots of years in my husband, but he didn't depend on me in the ways a baby/toddler/child does. It's beautiful and miraculous to be a parent, but it is exhausting and there is a level of self-deprivation attached to being a stay-at-home parent specifically. (Note: there doesn't HAVE to be - and I am fully aware of that - but it is often a reality.) 

It was quite a shock bringing home a baby nine months following our wedding, especially when she wasn't in our plans for that season of our life. Moving from a life where you can do what you want whenever you want without a thought onto a life where most things require careful consideration is quite a leap. And people can warn you of just how big these changes will be but until you experience them yourself it is very hard to really grip.

So, I really miss sleeping in... but I've also gained coffee! And two beautiful, amazing children who no amount of uninterrupted sleep in the world could ever replace.

And more than the superficial challenges that come with adulthood, another struggle of coming into adulthood is the added stress and worry. Whether its meeting deadlines, paying bills, raising children, keeping up with chores (ha...ha...) - it can all feel like an awful lot at times. Those are the kinds of conversations I'm usually having with my sisters or my cousin where one or both of us end up saying, "Being an adult sucks!"

By far one of the hardest parts of growing up is losing the ones you love. It is inevitable that if we are alive then we will one day die. Just thinking about all the people you love leaving you is beyond difficult.

Queen Elizabeth II nailed it. Goodbyes are a very difficult aspect of growing older. Whether we lose the people in our life to death, growing apart, or irrevocable differences. Sometimes it's gradual and other times it is after a conscious effort on your part or theirs. But as QE2 said so well - with most of the grief we experience so much love.

The pain of losing my dad has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life because as you all know, grief is ongoing. It might get easier with time and introspection, but it never goes away. Therefore, a challenge in my life is trying to keep the anxiety at bay when thinking of all the people I love... it's a reminder I have so much to lose.

"In This Diary" by the Ataris came to mind when writing on the topic of growing up.

I guess when it comes down to it... Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

All things considered, there are amazing and upsetting things about every stage of life we are fortunate enough to experience. Any difficulty we face in growing older means we are living and breathing another day and we owe it to ourselves to find ways to deal with our struggles head on.