Words Fail.

After my dad died my family's life was flipped upside down. Mine. My sisters. My mom's life. And it took a long time for things to get back on track. While things were off track they got really bad. And while I feel some ownership to mention it because it's my story, it's not just my story to tell. But what I will say is that I felt unable to be held by my mom for a time while she dealt with the blows life was giving her. 

And do you know what? God is good. Even in the worst of times. He really is. God sent me the Jones family. God sent me Peyton Jones who became my best friend. One of the blessings that came along with Peyton was his mom, Leslie. And thank the Lord. That family came in when I needed them the most. They showed up and never left. I came to find that Leslie had the biggest heart. (If any one of her people loved you then she loved you.) And do you know what? She held me when my mom couldn't. That was huge. It's everything. She opened her arms, her house, her family to my sister and I time and time again and that's not something I could forget or ever begin to repay over the course of twenty years. To be honest, twenty is just a fraction of the time I thought I'd have with her. Leslie was barely 56. I thought I'd have more time. More time for everything. To let her know how loved she was. To let her know how irreplaceable she was. To let her know how special she was. To be there for her. To repay her. To show up for her and never leave.

While I sit here feeling cheated tonight it would be unfair not to properly acknowledge what memories we did get to make. The pink Nike bra she got me for my 13th birthday that Peyton was beyond embarrassed to give me but that was actually super cute. Going to Damen's house before prom & Leslie loving on us and taking our prom photos that I still cherish. The New Years Eve Tony and I spent at home with Leslie and Darryl. Yelling at us to hush way too many times when we played board games at her house way too late but not going so far as to kick us out because I think she loved having all of us there. Presley getting stung by several wasps and in the middle of me freaking out Leslie turns to me and tells me I need to color my grey hairs. 😅 Hundreds of normal, everyday moments that we didn't catalog in any way. Birthdays, baby showers, weddings, funerals, and holidays. 

Tony and I both know her as our second mom because that is exactly what she was to us. (And Darryl a second dad.) And then when our kids came along she became their unofficial Granny Leslie. All three of our kids loved her but Molly just always gravitated to her and would talk about Leslie all the time! And Leslie snapped such a great photo of Molly at a time when that little girl was much more in her shell than she is these days.

I am so grateful for this woman. Grateful for all her family that she brought into my life along with herself. Her sisters, cousins, kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews. It would be criminal to not acknowledge how much she loved her late husband, Darryl; their boys Peyton and Damen; and her grandkids Landon, Trinity, and Ryder. They lit up her life. 

My tab with Leslie Jones was overdue. It went unpaid. But to be honest, how do you repay something like that? She probably never would have let me anyways. She was a lover and a giver and she did it without strings. That was her nature. Words truly fail in this moment.

Leslie, There will never be another you for any of us. We are broken because it seems impossible to say goodbye when we weren't ready. I just pray you knew how much you meant to me and to all of us. How much you and your unconditional love truly carried me through good and bad days. How thankful I am for all the regular moments. The ones we didn't think to keepsake. How sorry I am that I ever squandered the time we had in between. But bigger than all that is all the love we have for you. Life will never be the same without you here. I promise to let your love and kindness live on in me. Thank you for every bit that you shared with me, taught me, gave me, showed me. I will never forget it.

Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

Marriage Monday: Don't Underestimate the Day Date!

I just had the best Monday I've had in a long time.

Tony surprised me with a day date and we rode Bird scooters around Memphis today! It. Was. So. Fun.

To say I was intimidated up front is an understatement. Though I LOVE trying new things, this was totally out of my comfort zone! Having to ride alongside traffic made me nervous at first. Riding a scooter takes balance while riding an electric scooter takes balance and timing and it's kinda scary to go that fast!!! But also SUPER fun.

We started in Midtown and decided on a whim to ride all the way Downtown, get a late lunch at Huey's, and then ride them back. Truly the only downside (besides me being clumsy the entire time) was my scooter dying halfway back in an area of town that didn't have any scooters! It took us a little bit to track another one down during a super hot part of the day and of course Tony was a complete gentleman and insisted I take his scooter and he would run alongside me which was so sweet. I tried to protest and asked him why should he have to give up his scooter and he said, "Because I'm the runner." So. True! And thank God for that. We finally found an area nearby with scooters and we got two that were charged up and headed back.

It was one of the BEST dates I have ever been on. I laughed and smiled so much and was pushed just enough out of my comfort zone to make the date even more different, special, and meaningful. Most of all I loved reconnecting with Tony in our vibrant city on a beautiful late-summer day.

Which brings me to my point: DON'T underestimate the power of the day date!!! I get it... there is just something a little magical about the nighttime. It's typically the time of day reserved for most of our sensual moments. Meanwhile, days are for getting things done so that you can take it easy at night. We run the errands in the morning so we can have fun later. But spending the afternoon with my husband and the sun and the river and a scooter was pretty close to perfection. So if daytimes work best for dating your spouse -- get out there and day date the crap out of each other.

Falling in {Young} Love

Seventeen years ago this week, I was falling in love.  And I was thirteen.  People would tell me I was young and naive, that it wasn't really love, and more... and to be honest, I started to believe them.  Not that what I was feeling wasn't genuine - because I never doubted that - but that maybe with time and age I would realize that it was more infatuation than actual love.  That maybe it felt more intense because I had never experienced it before. 

It was the weekend before Martin Luther King Day and my sister, Amanda - who was fifteen at the time, and I went on a ski trip with a church in our neighborhood.  I'm not sure how many of us there were, but there were at least twenty of us in middle school and high school going on the ski trip - both guys and girls.  My best friend, Christine, was going too and I was super excited to have a fun weekend away with her.  Peyton & Damen were going and that meant Tony was going, too.  (Because back in those days they went just about everywhere together.)  There were two vans to take the group of us from Memphis to Gatlinburg... my sister went into one with a bunch of the kids her age and I went into the other with my friends.  Tony hadn't decided which one he was riding in and I was just PRAYING he would hop into mine.  I remember one of the older girls telling Tony he should get in their van and I just remember feeling crushed.  I don't know what exactly made him decide to get into the van I was in... but for WHATEVER reason we ended up in the same van I am so extremely thankful!  It was on that trip in that moment that we got to know each other a little more, we became better friends, and made some fun memories.  It was on that trip that I truly started falling in love with Tony.  And what took place over that long weekend are things I'll never forget.

I think about one particular moment often - what if he would've chosen the other van?  Would he have made those memories with someone else?  And where would we be now?  This story could've been one between him and someone else.

So, I thank God for Martin Luther King and everything he did to advance the lives of all humankind.  The sacrifices he made and the extremely difficult, intensely beautiful journey he took.  While that will always be the focus of the day for me, I can't help but remember how the long weekend holds a secret, special place in my heart and how it always will.  And thank God for falling in young love.

Dads

Hello from the most neglected blog on the block!!! I have so many ideas bouncing around in my brain when it comes to blogging but never sit down to write them out. I work myself up that each post needs to be so substantial when in reality the heart and soul of writing has so little to do with the word count. So, this is a start.

Father's Day is a bittersweet day for me. I feel like people must not believe me when I say I had the world's best dad. {The exception being is if the person knew my dad... then they usually agree with me right away.} And it's not a competition thing... I'm not saying that to say that my dad is better than all the other dads. It's just he was the best dad I could ever imagine having. He loved us in the way that every child should be loved.

I think about what an incredible person my dad was and the pain of having him taken away so suddenly, so violently comes bubbling to the surface nearly as strongly as it was in the beginning. And while I'm out of the darkest days I can recognize now that there will always be dark days. You just can't outrun those feelings.

And that's what days like Father's Day felt like to me after my dad was gone... dark. Empty. And certainly a day I didn't feel like celebrating anymore. That is until I had a new father in my life. The father of my kids.

The last five years I've felt true joy on days like today again. So, cheers to the guy who entered my life a month after my dad left it. You were such a bright light in my darkest times. Thank you for loving me and for loving our babies. There is so much about you that I love and that is so worth celebrating. You make everything better.

And Happy Father's Day to the best father in the world. I love you so much, Dad, and I know without a doubt my kids would have loved every moment of getting to know you. I'm trying my best to keep your love and memories alive for them. I hope you never stop watching over us.

First Day of Spring.

There are all different reasons to celebrate the special days that changed your life - the day someone was born, the day you met someone important, the day you married the love of your life, the day you gave birth, the day you got clean/sober. What's so amazing is usually we don't fully know how much or in what ways our lives are about to be impacted. There is no way to know how significant or incredible these 24 hours will be for days, weeks, and years to come. It starts out just like every other day.

Fourteen years ago I started dating the guy of my dreams.

I remember the day we met - or at least the day that got the ball rolling. He was wearing his yellow Old Navy sweatshirt and was riding his bike around the parking lot of Brookside Baptist. I was on my way to the soccer field for practice. I plucked up the courage and without thinking said "hey" to him and halfway expected him to say nothing. Instead he said "hey" right back to me.

I remember when I first fell in love with him - at the ripe age 13. We were on a ski trip with a bunch of kids from Brookside Baptist and we rode to and from Gatlinburg and Memphis together in the same van. We were with a bunch of our mutual friends and it was a safe space where we could just have fun and be ourselves. I got to know him a little better over the long Martin Luther King Jr. weekend in 2001 and on the way back home from the trip I was head over heels for this sweet, quiet, kind, funny, playful older guy.

I remember our first kiss. It was an accident! We were leaning in to hug each other and our heads turned the same way and our faces ended up meeting and it was so incredibly awkward considering how well we'd known each other and how much we liked each other at this point. I remember going back inside and detailing the kiss to my big sister and then dissecting it with her. And to this day I love that moment - how hilarious it is to relive and think about - and how grateful I am that our awkward first kiss happened.

I remember the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I remember the day I said yes. Tony had asked me to be his girlfriend before and instead of saying yes - I told him I needed more time. To be completely honest, the gravity of our relationship was too much for me at the time. It felt like the real deal from day one between us and that was intimidating. Not to mention the foundation of our relationship was sturdily built on our friendship. What if we dated and for some reason it didn't work out... I would lose my best friend. That was a risk that at the time I wasn't willing to take. My cousin came in town to visit and she told me what an idiot I was for not being his girlfriend - that he was such a nice guy and he was clearly crazy about me. I don't remember what exactly changed between us to get me to say yes, but I remember Breanne being so honest and real with me and that was a huge wake-up call to me. I remember telling him I was ready and to ask me again. He told me this was the last time asking... that he wouldn't do it again. So March 20, 2003 after asking three times and it being WAY overdue... we made it official.

I love that it coincided with the first day of Spring when it is all about growth, newness, transformation, and renewal. I'm glad Tony never gave up on me when it would have been much easier to do so. I cherish every year I've had with him and everything we've shared.

We've come a LONG way since the Brookside days... and he's still my best guy and truest friend and without a doubt the great love of my life. And the best is yet to come!

Crosby: 2 Months

Somehow it has been 9 weeks since I brought Crosby into this world. It has been a tumultuous nine weeks, that's for sure. I was so sure that I knew everything I needed to know about taking care of a baby. I thought I knew all I needed to know about breastfeeding a newborn. Surely this third child of mine would be a breeze! But I was served a slice of humble pie with Crosby. It reminded me that I'm not immune to the highs or lows that come along with breastfeeding - it's a tough ass journey. When you're sleep deprived and you already feel like you're giving every single part of yourself as a human to your new baby and any other children in your home... then when you feel like you're scraping the bottom of your barrel it's time for the next feeding. Sometimes it honestly feels like you have NOTHING left to give and yet you're the only one can satiate your baby for what they need. You feel desperate. You feel like quitting. But for whatever reason, you choose stick with it. Maybe it's the health benefits for baby or the health benefits for you. Maybe it's the fact that you literally cannot afford the insane costs of formula. And from somewhere within the depths of your reserves, you pull out the mental and physical energy it requires to keep going. Ladies and gentlemen, this shit is not easy. And for everyone who has tried breastfeeding - you have my deepest respect. I understand what you're going through! It's so hard.

For everyone who has decided not to breastfeed, you have every bit of my understanding and respect. I am with you no matter what you choose! None of it's easy!!! And if you would have handed me the money to buy formula five weeks ago, I would have quit this breastfeeding journey on the spot - and probably kissed you on the mouth. So trust me - never judgment from me. When I talk about breastfeeding, it's not from a high horse. But it is how I feed my baby and so I will talk a lot about it in my blogs, I'm sure.

To update on me suspecting/worrying that Crosby could have a tongue or lip tie, I've now taken him to a pediatrician, a lactation consultant, and a pediatric dentist - all who gave me great insight and help and each of them telling me that IF he does have a tie that it is so slight that it's nothing to worry about. (But for the most part all of them thought he had enough mobility in his lip and tongue that he most likely doesn't have a tie.) The LC noted he has a super high palate and that could be the cause of his weak latch. The pediatric dentist (who is seriously phenomenal) showed me that Crosby's got quite an overbite - already! - and that his weak lower jaw could be making his latching a little more difficult. So, after seeing the dentist I feel like I can finally put the tie thing behind us.

Crosby seemed to have a reflux issue from the get-go and would projectile vomit once daily... it was sooo draining and worrisome. Thankfully that has been getting better! His pediatrician thinks it was due more to underdeveloped muscles that aid in digestion rather than a reflux issue. (I hope I'm explaining that correctly!) His gassiness and pain after eating has eased as well. He still makes a clicking noise while he breastfeeds but it doesn't seem to be doing any harm.

He eats often and well and has been gaining weight as a result. Crosby weighed 7#15oz at birth and at his two month check-up Wednesday he was up to 12#5oz (and 23.5 inches)! This puts him in the 50% range for growth which is wonderful.

Cros is in a size two diaper and wears 3-6 month clothes, and he's been laughing in his sleep - yet he doesn't know he can do it while he's awake yet. He smiles! And it really does melt my heart. He loves being in the ergo carrier - that's how I shop, pick up Presley from school in the afternoons, or get things done around the house. The most consistent way Crosby falls asleep every night it in Tony's arms with him walking Crosby around the house. Works like clockwork! Speaking of sleep it's different for him every night but he will sleep for 5-6 hour stretches if I'm remembering correctly. Some nights are better than others!

Tony is such an awesome team player... I feed Crosby and he'll change diapers. He never hesitates to help put him to sleep. In general Tony has no issue helping me on all fronts and I am beyond grateful for that in my partner. Each time while going through the rough first 6 weeks or so while breastfeeding Tony is so ultra supportive. He'll grab a new breast pad for me, fill up my water, bring me my Boppy pillow, burp/change Crosby, encourage me to keep going, help me remember why I don't actually want to give up... etc.

It reminds me how much it takes a freaking VILLAGE to be successful... and sometimes not even then does it work out! I hope so much to be that encouragement to other moms in whatever way they feed their babies! None of it is easy and we're all just trying to survive these early days.

So that's about it for our two month update. We're still in absolute survival mode BUT in so many ways things are getting easier day by day. And even though each one of them takes turns driving me insane, I love my family and I'm grateful for them.

This is my motherhood: unwashed hair, tired face, babywearing, cookie-or-grumpy-faced kids and throwing together an outfit and just hoping it looks good together! But these are good kids and they might be crazy days but they are good days.