Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

Chores {Marriage Monday}

In an attempt to put off some housework I should currently be doing I'll instead write a blog post about chores...

Before we had kids and we had unlimited time to talk about our relationships, my sister and I had a conversation about duties around the house. Do you split them up evenly? Do you share the tasks? Do you have set, specific chores you do regularly? Or do you switch them up?

My sister was of the mindset that if her and her husband switched up the tasks and didn't assign specific chores to "his or hers" then they wouldn't get burnt out on them. Which is a good idea in theory. But was about six years and three kids ago. And I'm pretty sure they have designated chores these days. 

For the most part we have our assigned chores around here. He takes out the trash. {Reason #15 I love my husband: He takes out our yucky trash for me!} I do the dishes. He's supposed to be in charge of the laundry. (I loathe the laundry.) Which mostly means he will put them in the washer & dryer & then once they're clean they sit in a basket for the longest time. To be fair - we have way too many clothes. It makes me want to throw them away and live minimally - just have capsule, versatile wardrobes. I really think that if we had a more functional laundry room that I would enjoy the task a little more. I do the cooking. He mows the lawn. I do the grocery shopping. We both do bedtime for the kids. (Or is that not supposed to be considered a chore...) 

It just makes me wonder what it's like in other households. Do you guys switch up the housework or is it usually done by the same person each week? Or is it more like our house and you just put off all the chores until you absolutely have to do them?

Tony once fell asleep while in the middle of reading his anniversary card from me. That's talent. But this is what we would all rather be doing instead of doing chores. Sleeping.

Nine Pictures of Us {thursday thoughts}

To start out, I am already guilty of skipping a Thursday! But to be honest, with everything going on in the news and around the country around this time last week, the last thing I wanted to do was write a lighthearted blog. Now after a week or more of so much heavy in the news and around us, it feels like exactly the right thing to do.

I thought this particular blog entry would be super easy and fun... and while it did evoke "all the feels" it was SO difficult to choose just nine photos of us. Before getting started I thought nine would be kind-of a lot of photos but now I realize it doesn't do justice in allowing me to accurately show all our history OR delve into much of our present, either.

All of that considered, this was still a ton of fun. I loved going through photos of Tony and I and recalling so many happy, fun memories with my favorite person in this world. These are some of my favorite photos of us over time (though not all of my favorites) and putting these together in one blog entry really shows me how important photo taking is... what if we had let these moments pass without capturing them on film? And how many beautiful, wonderful photos do I have undeveloped these days? It reminds me how important it is to capture moments on camera. And with that, here is a quick(-ish) trip down our memory lane...

{may 2003}
I love this picture so much. This was my first prom with my first love! I was a freshman and Tony was a senior and we were going to prom at my school... so besides his best friend and my older sister, there weren't a TON of people that either of us really knew. It was exciting and awkward and a night full of a million butterflies all night long! Our first dance together happened at prom along to Kid Rock's "Only God Knows Why" which is absolutely hilarious! We had been sitting down at a table talking and hanging out and I told him - "Okay, we are going to dance to the NEXT SONG that is slow that comes on!" because he didn't really want to dance. So of course it was the least romantic song they probably played that night. But it didn't matter. I loved dancing with him. I loved getting all dressed up and spending that night hanging out with him. He was (and still is) the perfect gentleman. He bought me the most beautiful corsage. He picked me up in his Granny's gorgeous car that night and if I remember correctly we ate at O'Charleys beforehand! He looked so incredibly handsome. (He wore a bowtie! SO precious.) We took pictures beforehand at my house and then again at his best friend, Damen's house - which would later become a second home to me over the coming years and Damen's family a second family to me. The reason I like this specific picture from that night is because it is just so... us.

{august 2008}
This picture means a lot to me because it was taken at such a huge changing point in our life. In the two years since I graduated high school I had been enrolled at two different community colleges... one in Illinois and the other in Tennessee - which is where we had currently been living. My credits didn't transfer from my first college to my second but they all would transfer back to my first college. I wasn't happy in Memphis and we both had great opportunities to look forward to in Illinois. It was a huge leap of faith for him - he had never lived outside of Memphis or away from his own friends and family. It was a make or break moment: would we move to Illinois together or would I be moving there by myself? When it came time to talk about it he didn't really bat an eye - he said he would go where I go. So this is us on our last night in Memphis on the cusp of so much change.

{april 2009}
Here we are riding four wheelers around Sullivan Hill in Eudora, Mississippi - one of our happy places! I love, love, LOVE Tony's family and spending time with them was never, ever dull, that's for sure! I'd love going over to his parent's house to have dinner because his mom always made the best food. (Though on this particular night we took the four wheeler to go pick up pizza down the road and it was so much fun!!!) I've always loved this photo of the two of us. This was a place that felt so much like "home" and I always looked forward to visiting here from time to time while we lived in Illinois.

{may 2009}
My first college graduation. This was a special moment and such a happy time. Tony has been so supportive of me from the very beginning. I could have done it without him but it would have been so much more difficult and a whole lot less fun. He encouraged me. He didn't make me feel like a loser when I didn't do well in a class or on an assignment and he didn't judge me when I skipped a class here and there. He read countless papers I wrote, helped me study, and was genuinely proud of me when I succeeded. When I wanted to quit, he talked me out of it every time. My accomplishment is mine but it is his as well. This was such a happy day - his mom and Granny surprised me and showed up for my graduation. I don't know if they ever knew how deeply that touched me.

{november 2009}
This was taken by a stranger on the beach just moments after I accepted Tony's marriage proposal and just about a week after I turned 22. He surprised me on my birthday and told me he was taking me to Anna Maria Island, FL to spend time with my Grandmother!!!! That was the best present of my life! He knew how special my gramma is to me, how sad I was that it had been a while since I had seen her, and that this was such a special place to me and a place I would love to visit alongside him. Plus it was all such a huge surprise! {Reason #14 I love my husband: He LOVES to surprise me! And he really does give the best surprises... even though sometimes I am a pain in the ass when it comes to surprises!!} Before leaving I started to wonder if he was going to propose on the trip and I turned to my cousin to see what she thought. She told me he was worried I'd get my hopes up and that when he didn't propose that it would ruin the trip... he told Breanne he didn't have the money to buy the ring he felt I deserved and that it wasn't going to happen. Not only was that such a sweet, heartfelt reason - but it really showed me how it didn't matter about a proposal, that I had him and that's what was important. We had such a special few days and on our last day of the trip we went to the beach one last time (at his insistence) where we walked the beach, had a snack at a restaurant right there on the sand, and on the walk back to the car he asked if we could sit down for a minute and enjoy it all for a few more minutes. He pulled out a piece of paper and started reading me a poem he wrote where at the end of it he pulled out a ring and asked if I would marry him. All of it from beginning to end was just perfect. And knowing he wanted to spend the rest of forever with me was the best of all.

{december 2009}
This is a photo that a friend of ours took during a photo shoot for our engagement downtown Memphis on Beale Street. I think it might be one of the most beautiful photos I've ever been a part of... I absolutely love it. Memphis is such a great place to be and it's the city where Tony and I grew up, met each other, and fell in love. It's the city we saw countless movies in, went on a million dates together, and made so many memories. I'm so grateful to Nicole for taking this one and I hope she knows just how much this one means to me. Your engagement is usually a short, short time in your life together with your significant other and to have this happy time chronicled in a photo is absolutely priceless.

{may 2011}
Of course I had to include a photo from the happiest day of my life... our wedding day! We had so many mishaps that day and truly none of them mattered to me! We were with our best friends and family members and we were finally GETTING MARRIED!!! My little sister took this photo when we were on the way from the ceremony to the reception. It was an impromptu photo taken just minutes after we became Mr. & Mrs. Duggan and I was on cloud nine. I absolutely love this picture, this moment.

{february 2012}
And exactly nine months from the last photo is this one - the birth of our first child! It is MIND-BLOWING how much our life had changed in that amount of time. It wasn't about us anymore... our life together was now about even more than all of that. It was about raising and loving our kid. It was about breastfeeding. Diaper changes. Sleepless nights and days. Dealing with and surviving postpartum depression. It was about well visits and vaccinations. It was about first steps and first words. It was trying to navigate being a newly married couple while figuring out parenthood and that learning curve was crazy difficult. But like so many before us, we figured it out. We survived. And then we started to thrive again. And having Tony there through labor and delivery... it's another one of those times where I probably COULD have done it without him, but I just sincerely doubt it would have been as successful. It was a horrendously long labor with so many painful roadblocks along the way but this moment right here when they placed this little warm body on top of mine was magical. To see the pride all over his face when he first held Presley is something that could never be replaced for me. The way he stepped up from the very first moments. How he never left my side. So much encouragement from him during labor, while pushing, to keep at breastfeeding, that I was a good mama, etc. It's no mistake we are next to each other in this life and to parent with him just adds such a meaningful layer of our life together.

{june 2014}
Meeting our second baby was thankfully a bit easier than it was the first time around - but of course not without complication. And through all the setbacks this time around (revolving around complications from having an epidural) Tony was an absolute champ. And I truly fell even more in love with him through all of it.

The time together has literally been such a life changer. It's a special thing to look back on and to cherish. It's a little bit insane how much and in what ways our life together has changed over the course of the sixteen years we've known each other. Knowing about it all and living it is all one thing... but reliving it in this capacity it a little strange. There are so many little moments that are easy to overlook or that you forget about once those moments are long gone.

I love sharing life with you, Tony! Thank you for being the father you are to our daughters and for always being my best friend. You deserve the entire world and I hope to give you as much of it as I possibly can. I love you.

Ten Things That Make You Happy {thursday thoughts}

We've all made lists like these before and often put things down like music, movies, family, friends... and we're absolutely right to do so but it can get a little vague. So this time, I'll try to be as specific as possible with this list of happy things.

10. Walking hand-in-hand with my husband. It's one of the very simple joys I take for granted so often, or rather, don't take advantage of enough. (Though, to be fair, we're usually holding little hands - or little bodies - instead these days.)

09. Loading/unloading the dishwasher. Which seems like an odd thing to put here but man, it feels good to have a clean and empty sink. It also feels great not having to hand wash all our dishes. It feels super duper great to have a beautiful dishwasher.

08. The HILARIOUS things that come out of my children's mouthes. We went to a local firework show a few nights ago and Presley (my four-year-old) tells me, "Wow! Looks like it's raining corn!" Same child, different day: We have been practicing with her to wipe by herself when using the restroom in preparation for pre-k this Fall.  I told Presley she could wipe by herself and she told me, "I want you to wipe my booty because you're smart and cute." Hilarious!
And today Molly was climbing something she shouldn't be which prompted this conversation:

Me: Molly. Don't climb that.
Molly: Why?
Me: .... (gathering my thoughts/patience on exactly why she shouldn't...)
Molly *under her breath*: Because! I-said-so!


07. Pulling out the box of old notes, cards, and letters from Tony over the last 15+ years. I don't do it very often but whenever I do, it seems like I happen to read something that feels as if it was just recently written... or I read something that affirmed me in just the way I might've needed and not even realized. It makes me so happy to have this kind of history with my husband.

06. Picture frames. Man oh man, I definitely have somewhat of an obsession. I love buying funky, beautiful, different frames and especially love filling them with the perfect photo.

05. Driving our minivan! What in the world did we do without it?! There is SO MUCH extra room and it feels like such a family mobile... like our little home away from home! The kids love it in there and we've already started making great family memories in there. I kinda wish we had gotten a van a while back but everything fell into place when it did and I'm so thankful for the vehicle we have now!

04. When my husband has a day off and I get to sleep in... or rather, I get to lay in bed and NOT have to wake up with the kiddos. I know... I really should be diligent and get up BEFORE my kids do so that I have the much coveted alone time. There are two main reasons I don't do this currently: 1. I love sleep and 2. I'm a little on the superstitious side - I feel like if I get up early then somehow they'll instinctively know and they'll get up early, too! Anyways. I love the day(s) where I don't have to be the one to get the girls up and going in the morning.

03. Watching the various ways my kids love one another. The most recent example happened today at Molly's TWO YEAR (post coming about her being such a big girl ASAP) after she got her vaccination. To say she was upset would be putting it mildly. I held her for a moment and then she asked if Presley would hold her (to make her feel better). Presley didn't think twice and held her so lovingly.

02. Walt Disney World. That place IS my happy place. Whether it's walking down Main Street, the smell on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, eating inside Cinderella's Castle, waking up in the resort knowing you're going to spend the entire day at the happiest place on Earth, watching the Main Street Electrical Street Parade at night, Cast Members making EVERYTHING special, or one of the MILLION other reasons to smile while you're there - being there makes me feel so much joy. And when we're not there we keep that joy alive by visiting the Disney Store as much as possible, watching Disney movies, playing with the girls' Disney buddies, and from time to time we watch the Disney Vacation Planning DVD. I love talking to friends about their upcoming Disney trips and being just as excited for them as I would be for my own trip! Not everybody is going to get the Disney obsession, but let me tell you, it is so much fun when you meet people with whom you can share the joys of this particular addiction! (And I'm SO GRATEFUL to share this with my husband!!!! Reason #13 I love that man.)


01. Cooking. I love it. Mostly. I enjoy the anticipation leading up to taking the first bite. I love the house smelling delicious. I appreciate the concentration it takes in addition to just following specific steps. There isn't a whole heck of a lot of thought that needs to go into it when you're following directions and there is something I specifically enjoy about that. I love making my family food! I recently made cinnamon rolls from scratch for the first time and it was challenging and so fun. I'm still not the best cook/baker but I'm always learning and willing to try and for the most part I get it right. (Definitely not always and I am no gourmet chef!)



And that's it! There is my list of some of the things that make me happy. Like I said a few weeks ago, I miss writing prompts! I haven't taken part in anything like that in a while so I just decided to create a few of my own. So I'll write every Thursday for the next ten weeks on these upcoming topics and I am pretty excited! If you'd like to partake I'd love to read some of your thoughts and will hopefully come up with a link up when/if others are involved.

Molly: 11 months

Here we are! A short few weeks away from no longer having an infant in the house... BITTERSWEET!!!

Tooth count: Eight... four up and four down.

Favorites: She love love loves green beans right now. And pouches! (Baby food in the little squeeze pouches.) The way she downs those things you would assume we never feed her!!! And aside from baby food & table food it's still all breastmilk and water.

Mol Mol loves to wear hats! And she does really well at keeping bows on most of the time, too. Oh and she loves to see herself on my phone!!

Milestones & stuff: She is pulling/pushing herself up into an almost standing position lately. You can tell she really wants to walk but isn't quite ready yet.

She's also sitting up... but unconventionally. She sits in a "W" position... which we are trying to correct but it's really difficult when that's all she wants to do!

"W" sitter

Molly falls over and bumps her head DAILY. I do not remember this happening so much with Presley. If you know me (as a parent) then you might know I HATE to see my kids hurt. So I'm learning to tolerate it better or not freak out as much when it happens. Another time when I literally thank God for breastfeeding... boobs solve everything!

She's getting really good at clapping. Whenever we say, "Yaaay!" over something, she will join in and clap!

Molly is a little growler and it will never get old to me! So so cute.


Still fits into size 3 diapers but we have a couple boxes of size 4 so that's what she's been wearing lately. Also still fits into most of her 9 month clothes but we've mostly got her in 12 month clothes.

Oh and as if I really have to say it, but Molly adores Presley. And the feeling is completely mutual. They're so good to each other. Presley is protective of Molly... Molly was chewing on a spare outlet cover we have and since Presley associates the little covers with outlets, she said, "Molly! No ma'am! That's dangerous!" It makes me so happy that Presley looks out for her and cares about her wellbeing! And Presley is so proud of Mol. If we're out and about and someone starts talking to Presley, Presley will tell them, "Yeah... and this is my sister, Molly." :) When we go up to work to visit Tony she will remind him, "Kiss Molly, too" before we leave. She's just hilarious and such a sweet girl. I hope Molly knows how special and loved she is and likewise that she has a very special big sister.

Molly had the first taste of a doughnut the other day. It was a plain cake doughnut so we're taking little baby steps... but she liked it. I don't like my kids to have very many sweets - but everybody deserves a treat in moderation. I just really don't want my kids to want nothing but sugar when there are healthy alternatives to give them while they're so young. (Example: Kids get just as excited about fresh strawberries as they do a cupcake!) Ever since having gestational diabetes and my experiences at that time & education about nutrition... it's very hard to ignore doing the right things for my kids' bodies as much as possible.

Breastfeeding: It's going well. She definitely prefers my left boob to my right and sometimes she doesn't want to nurse on that side at all! So if you think my boobs look a little lopsided these days... they probably are! ;) I still would love to breastfeed her up until her 2nd birthday, but we'll see how far we get with it. I'm so happy the first year mark is right around the corner! It would be a lot more challenging without Tony's support to keep me going. Molly's been getting up frequently throughout the night (growth spurt? teething? who knows...) and he will go get her across the house for me when I am feeling 99% zombie. (Thank goodness for side-lying breastfeeding!) He fills up my big water cup whenever he notices it's low, if I need to breastfeed in the car he'll make sure and park it somewhere private, and he changes as many diapers as he can while he's home so I don't get burnt out! I'm thankful for his companionship and his partnership. {Reasons #7-12 I love my Husband}


In other news...

Amanda, Anne Marie & Matthew were here for a visit a few weekends ago and while our original plans didn't pan out, we end up having fun no matter what!

A couple days before our visitors came in town, Tony and I saw Dave Matthew's Band play in Southaven, Mississippi for our anniversary! It was such an incredible show. As if I didn'tl ove their music enough already... this concert sure made me a believer! It was a first for both Tony & I to see them in concert and such a fun way to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. We followed it up with a late late night trip to Waffle House before heading back home. I love having fun with him! The night just reminded me of all the magic in our relationship and how much we have to look forward to the rest of our life together.

Finishing with Grey Street was just PERFECT if you ask me!

My favorite twin-cousin just had her baby girl, Emalynn and she is so precious. The live a hefty 9+ hours away so we haven't gotten to hold her yet (dying inside!!!!!!!!!) but I know she's getting plenty of lovin' from her sweetie pie little family. Breanne's kids love me so much... Emory, for instance, was born the day before my birthday and now Emalynn chose to make her grand entrance the day after my anniversary!

I need to be holding this kid while drinking some coffee with my cousin, STAT.

And it was just Grandmommy's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SELENA!!! We got tacos (Maria's Cantina is soooo delicious!!!) and birthday ice cream and had so much fun hanging with Grandmommy and Papa for the afternoon!!!

Next it'll be Tony's birthday followed up by Molly's birthday & baptism and then Anne Marie's 3rd birthday! Hopefully we'll be able to get to Nashville again soon to have some cousin strawberry picking fun and maybe get to the zoo, too! I'm so excited for the summer. Hope everyone is having a stellar 2nd half of 2015!!!

Molly baby. I love you and your silly growls, your funny faces, and your big-ole-loving heart. I'm so lucky to be your mommy and I promise to never forget that. I might lose my patience and sometimes I can be a shitty mom... but no one will ever love you the way that I do. You light up our lives! Thank you for being my girl.

Happies & Crappies! {link up}

This is one of my favorite link ups for the fact that it is simple and the same prompts each week!  Feel free to join in using the button below.

•  I haven't been motivated lately when it comes to scheduling and planning meals for the week.  Therefore, it seems like dinner every night is somewhat last minute/hectic!  I'd like to change that for the upcoming week.
• Our financial situation has gone from bad to worse.  Because I am a seasonal employee, my hours were cut as the season ended.  Therefore, our only paycheck at this moment was cut significantly and will be even worse from here on out.  Thankfully, we are able to supplement this income with our savings... but this won't be able to go on much longer.  We have plans to leave the Midwest and move back to Tennessee... but at this point, plans to do anything are looking extremely bleak.  I know it will all work out one way or another eventually... but that doesn't help me in the meantime from worrying about HOW in the hell things are going to work out.
• Presley's been sick for a week or so with what must be a cold.  She's been so congested and I feel so bad for her!  We've added an extra pillow in her crib, turned on her humidifier, and today I tried the saline/nose-sucker combo and she just flipped out.  We've also been giving her extra showers hoping that that'll help break things up.
• We're currently on state insurance, which is SUCH A BLESSING!  Except for when it comes to certain things - for example, Presley's vaccines.  I guess the state is out of or running low on certain vaccines at the moment so instead of getting her vaccines as she normally would at her 18 month appointment, she's still waiting for them.  She will be 21 months old this month.  It just makes me upset that we can't give her things like this at the moment.  (However, it was much more stressful while we went without insurance for a few months... so having insurance at the moment is a huge relief in and of itself.)
• So as you can see, my life has a few worries in it at the moment.  When I have a free moment to think (usually in the shower), instead of it being calm & relaxing, all I can think about in my mind are all the things that I find stressful in my life.  And I hate that.
• What sucks is the money we saved wasn't meant to pay bills... it was meant to be a down payment on a future home!  But...

 

• ...thankfully we have money to pay our bills.
• Hanging out at the Quad Cities Birthing Conference today... spoke with lots of awesome vendors around the Quad Cities and listened to an informative seminar.  There were so many really great resources for parents and parents-to-be!  I especially loved my conversation with a local massage doula (Marci Worlton) and also someone from the La Lache League of the Quad Cities. All of it was free and the conference is reoccurring, which is good news.  It's also such a great way to really feel like part of a community... I can't wait for the next one!  (More information here.)
• Picking up a fountain Coke through the McDonald's drive-thru this morning.
• Finding something for both Presley & I at Kohl's today on super clearance... both items were 90% off!  Hers was $3.20 (cute pair of Osh Kosh overalls) and mine was $4.80 (super cute simple black dress).
• Tony changing the oil in the Fit & rotating the tires! (Reason #6 I love my Husband:  He is a handy man and a hard worker!)
• Having a great work week! (More on this subject later!)
• I stopped talking about it and finally went for a walk in our neighborhood today.  I've been wanting to start walk/jogging a few times a week for a while now and I just got back from a nice afternoon walk during Presley's nap.  It was great!  The trees are so beautiful this time of year.  Also, I just started using a new app to track my progress... it's called Runtastic!  I got it for free through Starbucks (they offer free apps/song downloads in the store on through their Starbucks app each week) and so far I really like it.
• Now that Halloween is over, it is time for two of my favorite months out of the whole year!  November means my birthday month plus Thanksgiving (which means getting the family together!!!) and next up is December which means advent, Santa, the Holy Family, & Christmas!  Oh... and Christmas cards!  I am hoping the current state of our life will be much different by December... I really, really, really hope that will be the case.
• I've been having a lot of good hair days lately.  Ever since I got my hair cut (last month?) for the first time in a looong time, I've been so happy with my hair.  It's the little things, people!

Thanks for reading! I wanted to end with the positive things about this past week in order to not leave you all with my feelings of doom & gloom.  Hope life is good and if you link up with Happies & Crappies come back here and let me know so I can sneak over to read yours. :)

Also... Presley was an adorable tiger, owl, and ladybug this Halloween thanks to last Halloween's clearance costumes!

Baby Number Two.

Now don't get too excited, there is no baby on the way!  But it seems like this is a popular topic of discussion lately.  It's really no wonder I've had baby fever!

Why Tony and I are talking about it:

We are at a pretty great stage right now.  Presley is becoming more self sufficient.  We are well enough out of the newborn phase where all of the "there is no way in HELL I am ever doing this again!" has worn off.  And not only that, but Presley is such a jewel in our life that it is a motivator for wanting another!  Who would have thought!?  I just find myself thinking all the time how blessed we would be to have another beautiful child when I look at Presley.

Why others are talking about it:

No more exciting pregnancy stuff and no more exciting newborn stuff... people are ready for some excitement from us, it seems, because as I said before - expanding our family is a subject that's come up with friends & family lately.  And really, it isn't something that bothers me like I thought it would.  I like talking about the possibilities of expanding our family and I enjoy hearing experiences and opinions from other people.  Maybe this is because I am very comfortable with my life right now...  I don't feel the need to people-please anymore like I have for so much of my life... I feel like I can stand on my own feet and state my opinion without apologizing for it.

But also, I think it's just a comfortable topic for people to talk about.  Which is funny, if you think about it, considering what an intimate decision it is.

Of course, there are reasons why we would want to postpone at this point in our life.

We aren't at a place of permanent residence.  We'd like to own a home and ideally, move out of the Midwest within the year.  And if we move, that means new job(s) and all sorts of uncertainties that come along with that.

Time with Presley.  Of course, Presley wouldn't be going anywhere if another child were brought into the scene, but some days we really relish the moments we have with her and think - it might be nice being just the three of us for some time (or always).  And then there are the days where I am feeling frazzled (why is she not eating ANYTHING I give her?  Really... throwing another fit?  Waking up an hour earlier than usual all week!?) for different reasons and think... okay, maybe one is ENOUGH for now.

I used to think that the main motivator for expanding our family would be based on the proximity of age between our kids - I love that my sisters and I are close in age and have always theoretically wanted that for my children as well.  But I don't even think Tony and I talk much about that point.  I just thought about it the other day and the if we got pregnant at this point our kids would be two years apart.  That sounds insane on so many levels!  Thinking about Presley as a two year old?  Thinking about Presley as a sibling?  Starting all over in the baby stage - what are we thinking?  I just can't imagine those possibilities because it seems so different from our current life.  But it doesn't sound too bad to my ears lately.  The possibility of expanding our hearts and making room for another set of grimy hands in our house has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.  I'm not sure if it's just a little phase I'm going through (what most call "baby fever") or if it's a more permanent longing... I've asked myself an lot recently... idea or reality...  do I like the reality of adding another child into the mix or the idea?  But if you knew me 15 months ago, would you have EVER guessed I'd want another child?!  Absolutely makes me chuckle!!!

I guess at this point, I am open to new possibilities.  And it is really a freeing and peaceful feeling.  Though, no body get your hopes up.  I don't remember if I've shared very much about it in any of my previous posts (other than briefly in my guest post), but all the ups and downs in my cycles are still just as prevalent after having Presley as they were before.  Since my PCOS was diagnosed on symptoms alone (no further testing) I sometimes doubt the diagnosis, but other times when I read more about it... it's hard to dispute.  Though, it would be nice and give me peace of mind to really confirm whether or not I have PCOS through some form of medical testing or further investigation.  {I recently had my thyroid tested and the results came back normal... so at least we know it's not that!}

And, of course, all things considered, this is really only MY opinion on the matter that I've shared, not so much my husbands.  He sways back and forth between the possibilities, but right now, he is more inclined to wish we'd postpone at the time being.  {Reason #5 that I love my husband:  He is almost always the yin to my yang while remaining a part of the same team.  I love it and I love him for it.}  So we will see when and if there will ever be a baby Duggan #2 in our near or more distant future... but for now it is sure a fun topic to think about!