Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me: Dear Sixteen Year-Old Me...

A while back I stumbled upon a list of writing prompts (here) and I thought it was a brilliant way to write more while also giving my kids something substantial to read from me. I lost my dad without getting to know him as a person and I would really give anything to have pieces of him. So, despite how narcissistic it can often times feel to write about myself, I'm doing this for my kiddos. Slowly but surely, that is, because this will only be the second prompt completed here. (You can find them above at the "For My Kids" page)

Today I'm here to tell my 16 year-old self 10 things - so here we go.

01. Friends will come and go.

This was a really painful lesson for me as I lost a lot of friends throughout high school whether someone moved, graduated, grew apart, or due to bad decisions. Each loss felt devastating at the time. It wasn't until quite some time later when I realized it was OK and normal to grow apart from people throughout your life. The thing that really helped me here was the reason, season, and lifetime poem. Not everyone is destined to be a major part of our life forever and while it can be painful, it is all in God's plan for us. God knows what we don't and most of the time it starts to become apparent after a while why those people left our lives. Letting go can feel really great, too. I spent way too much time trying to hold onto people so tightly that I missed out on joy and new experiences or even just the things that were right in front of my face. So, friends WILL come and go. Let them go. Have peace in your heart about it. You will never have to beg someone to be part of your life who wants to be there. And you know what? Some friends will stay. Just keep swimming. Be good to the friends in your life.

02. Life is GREY.

In high school I saw things in black OR white extremes. And I did a lot of judging of people early on. At some point it was coming from a good place, but it really didn't come out as anything nice. Because no matter how well-intentioned it is, judging someone else just isn't our job. I wish I had known you could still love people despite their choices. That you can lovingly disagree with someone. You can look out for someone and try to be there for them and do it all without shoving your opinions and judgments on them. Life is grey. And that's okay.

03. Travel. 

Okay so you won't likely do much traveling with your sixteen year-old budget... but still. If you get the chance to go somewhere or do something new: DO IT. Don't let the fear of anything hold you back. If you get into a situation you don't like - then come back. I was always too afraid to go do anything in case it wasn't for me. (Like working at a summer camp away from home or trying the Disney college program.) Fear kept me from doing what I wanted to do too many times. I wish I had done more traveling with myself or my sisters or my friends or Tony. Not elaborate, not expensive trips. Just going anywhere and everywhere that I had the opportunity to go. I wish I had explored more unfamiliar places and seen more new things with the people I love before my kids came along. Because now my life is centered around them and being a mom. I'm not saying you can't travel once having kids and I'm also not saying I'm not planning to travel anymore... it's just not an option for me at this given moment. And I wish I had done more of it when I had more money, less responsibilities, and the time.

04. Exercise safe sex until you choose to become a parent.

Even if a doctor tells you it will be extremely difficult to get pregnant without fertility treatments. You will love being a parent one day - but just wait until you are ready. And honestly, there is no rush to have sex. Wait until you're ready for that, too. It'll all be worth it.

05. Speaking of that - exercise.

Aside from cheerleading in high school and gym class, I didn't exercise. Why would I? I could eat and drink whatever I wanted and nothing bad would ever happen. But I wish I would have known how beneficial regular exercise is and I wish I would have started that from a young age. Because once it becomes a part of your life and routine then it's just part of who you are. (Or at least that's how it was for me when I exercised regularly later in life when I had all that pre-kids energy.) It helps your mood, it helps your body to function properly, and it just makes you feel great. So start now and keep up with it.

06. Open a checking & savings account, work as much as you can.

I got this advice when I was 18 but I had already been working two years by that point. And I had a stack of paychecks I had never cashed!!! What. A. Mess. I knew absolutely nothing about the principles of saving money let alone the skills required to navigate a simple bank transaction. So. Here it is. Open up a checking account. In your name. It's okay to feel intimidated at first. If you can, open a savings account as well. Hopefully something with a bit better interest rate than your checking account. Try hard to not touch the money you put into your savings account.

Now, work as much as you can while you're young and able and have the energy and free time. Because, why not? If you're not working you'll have more time to make bad decisions and get into trouble. If you spend your time working you'll keep yourself busy with being productive AND you'll be making money. If that's money you don't need right now - SAVE IT. Don't blow it on stupid clothes you'll wear once and realize you don't even like. (If that advice sounds specific that's because it is.) Bonus points if you find a job you genuinely love.

07. Don't be hurtful just because you're hurting.

Agh. This is such an important lesson. When someone does or says something hurtful to you, you do not get a free pass to do or say something hurtful. Take a step back, walk away... deal with your insides before you deal with someone who caused you pain. You might think you are hurting them and getting even but you are just damaging yourself. You are shaping WHO you are. Do you really want to become someone who hurts people? No. You don't. So just don't go there. Be kind. Be vulnerable. Even in the face of hurtful people. They are just hurting themselves in the long run. Get to a space mentally where you can be hurt and not be hurtful in return. Be someone your little sister can look up to and feel proud.

08. Stay away from alcohol until you're 21.

Seriously. Theres a great reason why you legally have to be 21 until you partake. Trust me. Theres just no need for it yet. You've only got this ONE time to be a teenager and alcohol will only mess that up. The fun part about alcohol is how freeing it allows you to be and you know what is beautiful about this part of your life? Being a teenager is a time in your life where you are free to follow your heart and your whims. It's a time when you're no longer a kid so you've got a bit more freedom and at the same time your not yet an adult so you aren't weighed down by those responsibilities and expectations yet. Being sixteen is freeing. You don't need alcohol to free you. And really, you don't need alcohol to free you at any age. Learn that before you have your first drink and you'll already be ahead of the curve. Also, alcohol is a depressant. It can and will disrupt the balance you have going on... it will affect your thoughts, feelings, and actions. And it can sometimes cause long-term mental health issues. Honestly, you should stay away from alcohol until your frontal lobes are fully formed (around age 25) but I get that I'm really pushing it here. Point is...

Learn to be yourself, make friends, dance, flirt, and socialize without the buffer of alcohol. It's okay if it's awkward. Awkward is good. Awkward is real. Everyone is awkward as a teen. Feeling awkward means we are just outside our comfort zone and that is where we learn and grow. We like awkward.

09. Get help.

So earlier I said at 16 years old your not a kid anymore but that wasn't the whole truth. You are still a kid. You are not ready for adult situations. And you will find yourself thrust into situations you are just not ready for. This is where you need to get help. Stress is a great help indicator. It usually means you are having to bear something you can't fully deal with on your own. THAT IS OKAY. That is normal. It just means it's time to ask someone who loves and supports you for help. PLEASE, please don't be afraid or feel too intimidated to ask an adult for help. Think of an adult who makes you feel loved and safe. Go to that person. There is no "thing" too small to ask for help. Don't feel shame. I tell my kids now -- who are most definitely NOT teens yet but the same applies -- it's a BIG kid behavior to ask for help. It may not feel like it, but it is.

10. Try new things.

New foods. New experiences. All of it. Well, the healthy stuff. Let me give you an example. Senior year (before moving to Illinois) for some reason I decided to give bowling a try. Not just for fun on the weekends with friends at midnight bowling... like the actual bowling team at school. I wish I could remember what motivated me to go but I went to the tryouts. And it was FUN. Who knew there was an actual method to bowling?! Not me... not until I went, at least. I ended up making the team mostly because the amount of girls who showed up at tryouts was the number of girls they needed for a full team. The people on the team were wonderful and kind and I learned a lot while having a lot of fun. And I genuinely got better at bowling. Why did I wait until senior year to try out? I wish so much that someone had sat me down freshman year and told me failing is okay. We're not going to be good at everything we do but everything is worth a shot. So try everything.

I admire my little sister so much because she had the guts to try something new her freshman year when she tried out for volleyball. She'd never played before and had so much to learn but she found out she was a quick learner and she was talented and athletic and she did fantastic. She made the team and she excelled. Watching Ashley play volleyball and practicing with her are some of my favorite memories from high school. I wish all the time I'd had the courage she did and would have tried out my freshman year. I might not have made it - but what if I would have? We could have played together for two years in high school. And I would have had fun because that community was full of great people.

Try all the things. Don't be afraid of failure. It's just as likely you'll succeed. But if and when you do fail it'll propel you forward. It'll help you discover your capabilities.

Other great things: learn to love coffee, get your ass to church but more importantly know God, read lots of books, spend time with your family, develop hobbies, life is about more than the opposite sex (or more specifically life is about more than what the opposite sex thinks of you), don't waste your time on mean or fake friends, go to sleep at a decent time, get out of your comfort zone as much as possible, be good to your sisters, eat food that is actually good for you, life isn't always about you, LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC, the popular thing is almost never the right thing... and a million more.

Kids, if you're reading this, I wish I could just breathe these lessons into you. But I can't. You are going to have to make the choice to hear these things or not. And I hope you take this time in your life to listen to your mommy and learn some of the things she wished she knew at your age. I love you SO MUCH and always want what is best for you and I hope you feel that.

What kinds of lessons do you wish someone would have taught your 16 year-old self? What are some of the lessons your thankful you were taught at that age?

Spare Thoughts.

It's insane the amount of scrutiny out there regarding the child that fell into the primate exhibit. I've read where people said the mother sounds way too calm. But can you imagine what they'd say if she sounded hysterical? "Well geez, that mom really should have kept it together - what a wreck! She should have put her child first and kept her emotions in check so as not to upset her 4-year-old or the gorilla." And of course people are quick to throw in their judgment on how she could ever allow her child to get in there in the first place. "What kind of mom would allow this to happen?" But unless you've constantly got your kids in a carrier, stroller, leash, or restraint of some kind, aren't you expecting a little bit too much of the mother and especially of the preschool aged child? Kids learn (at that age especially) through exploring their surroundings. And we all know accidents just happen... usually quicker than we have time to control. Oh, and can you imagine the comments this mother would have faced had she had her child on a leash? "How tacky and awful to put your human child in a restraint like that!" Parents are condemned for being too laid back and they're condemned for being too uptight. We label each other which alienates us further from others.

After encountering such harsh reactions to this situation has caused me to take a step back and wonder why we're all the way we are... WHY are we so quick to judge each other? And why are we so cutting with our words? Why can't we find ways to start a conversation with others without gossiping, judging, and vitriolic comments?

It's just hard spending time around negativity. It's draining. It doesn't propel things forward. It's not constructive. We're not perfect people but we've got to grow and try our best to encourage each other. Are we going to like and agree with everyone? Absolutely not. Are we all meant to be friends? Nope. But doesn't it feel so much better to lead with respect, compassion, and understanding in order to learn where people are coming from? The good stuff runs a whole lot deeper than all the junk, anyways.

Marriage Monday: Our Very Best Marital Advice!

I got some really great advice from one of my favorite professors while I studied at WIU.  Upon congratulating me on my engagement, he told me to make weekly date night a priority in our marriage (especially after having children).  For at least one night out of the week, get out of your normal routine.  Whether that is going out or doing something different at home.  How wonderful is that?  It might not sound revolutionary to some folks, but at this point in my life and my marriage, it totally makes sense.  Regularly reconnecting with each other is so important.

My professor also suggested NOT making movie-going an option for the weekly date night because you end up spending two hours sitting side-by-side staring at a screen... not talking and not even looking at one another!  If you go out to dinner, you are forced to look at each other and talk!  I thought the recommendation was great and as a result, we have gone to fewer and fewer dates to the movie theater since getting that advice. 

But you know what?  I realized recently that Tony and I are movie people!  In our history, we have always gone to movies together.  We bond over our favorite movie franchises and favorite actors - and after our date night the other night (went to see Fast & Furious 6!) we talked more enthusiastically after the movie than if we would have gone to dinner!  And I loved it.  Another thing I loved about our most recent date?  We cut the bullshit.  No makeup & sweatpants for me and hoodies for both of us.  We rushed out of the house without worrying about any of it - just EXCITED to be going on a date and taking a breather as just the two of us for a few hours.  Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for getting dolled and fancied up for a special occasion or date night with your significant other, but it was also so great to just be us.  I don't remember the last date we took together and while I'm perfectly 100% happy with the choices we've made, it also made me really happy we were able to bust out!  We really should do that more often.  And to make dating each other a priority.

So, I think if I could give a useful piece of advice to newlyweds, that would be something I would advise.  And it got me thinking how much each of us really has to share with the world.  I asked some of my marriage-minded friends for some marital advice and this is what I came up with...

"The best advice I've gotten is that a marriage is a work. It may not be glamorous or romantic, yet it is so true. We have known too many couples that end up getting divorced within a few years after getting married. We feel that too many married couples forget that a marriage takes a lot of patience, sweat, and persistence so they give up when they hit a hard spot, and end their marriage. A marriage is not meant to be easy. If it is always easy then we won't thrive as individuals, and as a couple, and learn how to love each other even in hard times."

 --Ashley R., 28, married two years.

"Lee Brice said it best: Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse 'I love you'. Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy, and love like crazy!"

 --Jaime, 25

"The other day my boyfriend and I were at my parents’ house and I got rather snippy with him about something dumb, but something I had asked him not to do a few times before. When he left the kitchen, my dad looked at me and said 'Don’t sweat the small stuff babe. All that is, is little things. Life is going to seem a whole lot longer and tougher for you two if ya keep that up...' and he is SO right! I keep going back to that advice when I want to be annoyed or want to correct him. Josh is an AMAZING man, why bring him down about dumb things that mean nothing compared to us?

The advice came from my father who has been with my mother for 36 years I think they know what they are doing!"

 --Jess, 23

"It's so important for both spouses to go into marriage believing that it is a forever commitment. We've been married 2 1/2 years, and already there have been times where our faith, endurance, and belief in each other have been tested. When it comes down to it, almost anything can be 'divorce-worthy'. But when you approach marriage truly believing that divorce is not an option, it changes the way you view things. When a person is at their most unlovable state, that's when they need your love the most.

Also, find your spouse's 'love language' and try to speak it (from the book by Gary Chapman). If words of affirmation make your spouse feel most loved, try to show your love by regularly using words that will build him/her up and avoiding ones that don't. The same idea goes for the other 4 love languages.

Build trust by doing what you say you'll do."

 --Amanda, 28, married 2 years.

"Honesty is the best policy. We are always brutally honest to each other. We never keep secrets or hide things from each other. If you want a marriage to work, you got to be honest 100% with each other, and not afraid to tell the person how your feel."

 --Megan, 29, married 4 years.

"Marry your best friend, learn to compromise, and never go to bed mad at each other."

 --Jamei, 30, married 7 years.

"Do not use your wife's brand new decorative towels to clean up paint. Sorry, I had to!!!"

  --Reanna, married 2 years.

"No matter how many times you ask them, they will ALWAYS throw their dirty clothes next to the basket. Don't even waste the energy asking them to pick them up."

 --Ashley N., 27, married 7 years.

"Communicate at all times and try to use a calm tone. (Definitely hard sometimes but it takes practice!) I've found throughout my husband's deployments that writing letters to each other is fun and an easy way to get what you need to say, out. Give yourselves time to miss each other. If you work opposite shifts, try to grab lunch together so you can at least have one meal/alone time together a day or more often during the week. I have found that trying to catch up on the weekends isn't enough so make sure you equally make an effort to spend time with each other, even if it is only for a little while. Work out/stay active and eat healthy together! You will feel better physically and mentally, and you can both work out any frustrations in the meantime (and if you're upset with each other it's a good excuse to not "talk" and just run or lift it out!) Love each other deeply in the toughest of times, and have both of you place your spouse's needs before you’re own and you will never fail."

 --Nicole, 22, married 8 months.  (Been through almost two deployments now.)

"Communicate no matter how uncomfortable or unsavory the topic may be, always find time for date nights and special little trips alone without the kids, and find things you love to do in common. I always hated the idea of watching football because all the rules confused me. But when my husband told me how important it was to him that I watch a game with him, I caved. Now I love it! Yet another little 'date' we can have. Never fight about disciplining the kids in front of anyone. And I know this piece of advice may be a tad controversial, but it's honest. Sex is SO important in a marriage. My mother gave me this advice long ago and it has served me well. It doesn't matter if he took out the garbage that day, or catered to your ego, or if you 'have a headache', or you're just not feeling it that night. Do it. Even if you just had the worst fight ever. It will reconnect you. It will soften you to listen to your husband's side of an argument. It will make you a more confident woman which makes you better in your job, as a mother, in life in general. And if you aren't doing it ladies, I hate to say it, but someone else will. So get your groove on and do it regularly!! I listened to my mother and I am a happier woman for it! And I am more in love with him now than I ever have been. Oh, and a little counseling never hurt anyone. I believe everyone in the world could use a little tweak here and there. It's a lot of work, marriage. But when you're hurting, or angry, you have to ask yourself this question. Would you rather spend your life with your spouse when it's at its worst rather than spend a day without them? My answer has always been a resounding yes. Sometimes it took someone else to help me see that, but then the work to get back to the good place in your relationship isn't so hard if you know that you wouldn't ever want to be without them."

 --Christi, 38, married 19 years. 

Happy Marriage Monday and a special thank you to everyone who contributed their advice - your words will help bless other marriages!  What is the BEST words of wisdom you've ever gotten on how to make a marriage work?

Marriage Monday: Brittney's Guest Post - Life After "I Do"

I was so honored when Ali asked me to guest post about marriage on this sweet blog. It is also fitting since this past month, the month of May, was our 6 year anniversary.

To choose marriage is to choose love.  To choose love is to choose both life and death, like a flame that both keeps you warm and burns you.  To keep our heart’s soft towards one another is a choice.  I want to remember it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I choose this because this is the truth of marriage, motherhood, life period.  And I believe with all my heart that the truth is what keeps our hearts soft towards one another.

Don’t keep a record of wrongs.  But remember that real love is a battle field in which you get to make love and produce life.  Real love, love between two people who choose to work it out, to fight it out, it gets messy more times than it doesn’t.

I think that sometimes when it starts to look bad we think - Oh No! It’s all over!  We start to give up in our hearts.  There are real legit reasons for this sometimes, a heart can only handle so much right?!  Sometimes it's because we compare to others way to much not finding the beauty and passion in our own love story, all by itself.  We become jealous of others and discontent in our own love story and loose all our fight.

My dad use to say, “Keep your heart soft. Because you divorce in your heart long before you sign the papers.” Or something a long those lines.  That point is like the bible says... 

“Where your heart is, there you will be also!”

Listen, I love my husband and he loves me.  I love him more now than I did 6 years ago when I said, “I do.”  But don’t be fooled that there are not days or even weeks where we have to make a choice each morning when we wake up.  We have to simply or not so simply choose to love each other.

I don’t know if you are a praying person or not but I have to share with you the power in praying for your mate.  My best friend once gave me the profound advice to pray for my husband.  In the busyness of life, in anger or frustration, or just simply forgetting was I really praying for him?  When I started to think about how much I was really praying for him, it was not a lot!  I’m still getting in the habit.  But when I do remember to love on him in this way, praying for him, the Lord changes both me and him.  He gives me more love and patience for my husband and my husband listens to me more.  Funny how that works.

Being married teaches us so much about the Lord!

There are times I just list, in my head or on paper, all the things I love about my husband and all the different ways he shows me love.  Even though he may not have shown me love in all the ways I dreamed up in my head DOES NOT mean that he did not/does not show me love!  Often he does not do things the way I would do them, very often.  This can make me so, so, so mad.  I don’t hide my anger well or maybe at all.  He is often the bigger man.

I am utterly thankful for him in more ways than I can count.  He, we, I are not perfect and far from it!  But we keep fighting.  Fighting to be honest, to be real, to keep our hearts soft, and to take our thoughts and hearts captive when they do not love.  We choose to fight it out, to make up and to choose love.  To choose death of our selves and in that very process finding ourselves.

I am truly in love with my husband and I choose to be in love with him even when I want to run!

It’s not a lust or a feeling

It’s not based on good or bad

Pretty or ugly

Sexy or easy

Perfect or imperfect

I made a choice on May 12, 2007 to love Luke for the rest of my days and I choose to do so.

Whatever it looks like.

 

This is not a fairytale or a fantasy, its real life, My life.  My love is not a book or movie, but it is in my hands, tangible.  This is my life and my love story and I am determined to write it with bravery, determination, with a heart that will not give up and most of all LOVE.

Brittney's Blog: Brittney's Rabbit Hole

Wife to Luke and mama(x3) to kiddos affectionately known as Sissy, Bubbo, & Blue (who are better known to the world as Hadassah, Judah, & Levi) Brittney writes about the various loves of her life - family, photography, fashion, adoption, and so much more.  I'm so thankful to have stumbled upon her blog and continue to enjoy getting to know her through her writing.  Thank you so much for sharing the beauty of marriage as well as the realities we so often face.  I hope to always remember that marriage is a choice we are so blessed to make over and over again each and every morning!