Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

What to Expect: {7 QTs} Late 3rd Trimester

I'm linking up with Kathryn @ Team Whitaker for 7 Quick Takes and this week I'm tackling the topic of what you can expect in the last leg of your third trimester!

* 7 *

One thing you can expect is having a routine GBS {Group B Strep} test at which time your doctor will swab your vagina and rectum.  Painless and super quick!  Mine was done at my 36 week check up and is usually done between 35-37 weeks.  My doctor said some women carry this specific bacteria and it can negatively affect baby's health while passing through the birth canal.  If you test positive for the group b strep infection it is my understanding that you will get some antibiotics before labor and delivery!  Nothing to stress over but absolutely something to make yourself aware of beforehand.

* 6 *

You will have gone from having a wellness check up every 4 weeks, down to every 2 weeks, and now you are on VIP status and will most likely be seeing your doctor every week now!  Take advantage of these moments and make sure to ask any/every question you've got while you have your doctor's undivided attention.  Not only will this help give you peace of mind, it will help you and your doctor to form a relationship and continue to get to know each other!

* 5 *

If your doctor is anything like mine is, s/he will start checking your cervix to have a better understanding of your progress around this time in your pregnancy.  You'll likely find out if you are dilated, effaced, and possibly will find out if baby is in a favorable position (head down) for labor and delivery.  And I'm not going to lie - this may hurt a bit or at least will be a little uncomfortable.  You can make it a little bit easier on yourself by not clenching up and relaxing as much as you can.  I know... I know... easier said than done.  I was dreading the pain associated with getting checked this time around but it hurt far less than I remember!  Phew!

* 4 *

You can pretty much expect that your doctor will be going on vacation sometime soon.  This has happened to me with both pregnancies with two different doctors and countless of my friends have had this happen very late in their pregnancy too.  What can you do?  Doctors are people too and lets face it... they probably need time away more than anyone!  My advice is just don't sweat it.  Your doctor isn't the only one who can help you bring your baby into the world.  With Presley we got SO lucky and just fell in love with the midwife who helped through labor & delivery while my doctor was gone.

* 3 *

Swelling happens.  Nothing to be concerned about as long as the swelling is slight.  It helps to keep your feet propped when you can, to eat/drink well, to get some exercise, & believe it or not - to keep drinking tons of water!  (If you have sudden or extreme swelling - don't wait to call your doctor.  Better to be safer than sorry!)

* 2 *

Start saying your goodbyes to sleep if you haven't had to already.  Between more frequent bathroom visits at night and general discomfort with the growing baby - my sleep is definitely a little patchy these days.  However, I've found that this time around I am so exhausted after having dealt with a toddler all day that I will just pass right out... after watching an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy.  {Which I have become obsessed with again... started it from the beginning and almost done with season 4.}  :)  Sleep will become a happy part of your life again eventually.

* 1 *

I would say something to be on the lookout for is fluctuating moods.  Some days I cannot WAIT to not be pregnant any longer!  I can't wait to have my body back to (mostly) myself and to get to meet our brand new baby and get our life as a family of 4 started.  I can't wait to hold a sweet, sleepy baby of my own and to get to know her.  I can't wait to see her little features.  I can't wait for Presley to become a big sister!!!!  The next day I am feeling panicked about HOW in the heck I am going to do this... how am I going to deal with sleep deprivation and a 2.5 year old who is ready to go every single morning?!  I worry whether I will be a decent mom to either girl - how will I split my attention between the two who will both no doubt be needing it?  Oh... and don't get me started on worries when it comes to labor and delivery!  My advice?  You can't help the changes in your mood, but  you can control your thoughts!  Your worrying literally will not change one thing.  You will be birthing and then taking home a child either way and what happens is just gonna happen!  The newborn phase is brutal, but if it was completely awful and not worth the struggle, I wouldn't have subjected myself to this again!  (Something I keep reminding myself!!!)  So go easy on yourself - if you can't stop the worrying then just try not to think about it so much because as I said before, it's going to happen either way!  There is no use stressing yourself out over things unnecessarily.

For you parents who have been there, done that - what would you add to the list?  Did some of these things happen to you?  Any funny third trimester stories? 

Happy 9 month birthday, my little turkey!

Wow.  I know I say this every month - and I will probably be saying this for the rest of my life - but I cannot believe how fast the time is going!  Our little baby girl is a mere three months away from her first birthday!  And it truly feels like just yesterday that we were celebrating her THREE month birthday! As I said before, she weighed in at 16 pounds 13.5 ounces and was 27 inches tall!  Her head (75%) and height (between the 50-75%) have followed the same curve as always but her weight has started to drop off her curve (25%).  We will go back in a month to weigh her to make sure everything is okay.

I learn more and more about Presley everyday, especially as her personality develops and emerges.  As much as I enjoy hogging her to myself, I think one of my favorite things is watching how she interacts with other people.  Here is what my little beauty has been up to...

• She no longer keeps bows on her head.  Once she realizes it's there, she reaches up and tugs it down off her head with no problem.  She is getting strong and extremely smart!
• Presley's outgrown most of her 6-9 month clothing (especially her pants) and is moving into her 9-12 month stuff.  She's been in 12 month sleepers for a few weeks now, but we only have a few of them.  Does anyone know a good place to buy sleepers?  I know you can get them just about anywhere, but I am looking for good quality, a good deal, and something warm enough for this time of year.
• Ladies and gentlemen, we have a semi-crawler!  She is more of a scooter and spin-around-in-a-circle kinda girl... but hey, whatever works!  She is really getting around these days.
• We had our first choking experience this past weekend with Presley.  And wouldn't you know it was one of those child-friendly puffs?  My mom had literally just taught me what to do in case that were to ever happen - so it was fresh on my mind.  I picked her up as fast as I could, faced her body/face downward, and smacked her on the back a few times.  The puff and some puke came right up and she was just fine.  I'm sure she would have gotten the puff down herself without my intervening, but I wasn't going to take that chance.  I'm not gonna lie, I really felt like a bad ass in that moment.  And a capable mommy.  My mom was there to witness it all, too, and she said, "You really did everything just right!"  Sounds like I had a good teacher, thanks Mom! ;)
• Still in a size 3 diaper, still loves water in her sippy cup, and is getting more comfortable with dogs!
• Sleep training using the Ferber/progressive waiting method was a SUCCESS!  And Presley is also taking a daily nap (usually) lasting about an hour and a half most days.  This is WONDERFUL.  If any of you moms would like to know any more about our experience, just let me know and I'd be happy to share more in depth.

• She's learning to give kisses and every so often if you ask nicely enough, she complies and there is absolutely nothing sweeter than baby kisses.
• Still a little waving machine!  But only when the mood arises.  Her mood has been hit and miss this past week - Tony and I think it's another round of teething!
• Presley is even more into table food these days.  She thinks that whatever Tony and I eat are fair game for her!  This is why we wait to eat dinner until after she's in bed most nights, though we don't mind sharing the things that she can eat.
• We think she had a negative reaction to either quinoa or broccoli last week.  She had eczema-type rashes all over her so we are gonna wait to give her either of those for a little bit.  This is the first time she's reacted negatively to any foods!
• We've made it to our 9 month breastfeeding goal!  And I certainly couldn't have done it without all the support I've gotten along the way - especially the support and encouragement I receive from my husband every day.  So, it's time to set the BIG goal, FINALLY!  Our next goal is to keep breastfeeding until 12 months and I don't see us stopping now.
• Presley shared one of her snacks with me the other day.  I asked her if Mama could have one and I leaned forward & opened my mouth - she picked up on of her little snacks and dropped it in my mouth!!!  I was shocked!  She didn't do it again, though, and was quick to shove those little snacks in her own mouth from then out!
• So excited to celebrate our first Thanksgiving as a family of three with friends and family this week!  Looking forward to good food and good times and especially getting the chance to meet and hopefully love on the newest baby in our family - mister Emory!  (I say hopefully because there will be a lot of excited family members there to hold this new sweetie.)

This is unrelated to Presley's development - but if I hear one more person comment on how "spoiled" my child is [what does that even mean??] because I care for her all day or because I tend to her needs as they come - I will possibly snap.   
So look everyone, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
Please know that it is in my opinion that there is no such thing as spoiling a child with too much love; that makes absolutely ZERO sense.  There is also no such thing as a perfect parent - so when you can look me square in the eyes and tell me you are the perfect parent, then and only then can you comment negatively on the choices I make for my family.  I am open for fluid conversations.  I can take constructive criticism (if it comes from a good place).  I don't think I can take anymore talking behind my back without confronting people or being talked down to without getting personal.  Is this how every new or young mother feels?  If so, then why is it that our society feels that this type of behavior is acceptable?  Why do we feel we've earned the right to judge others?

On another note, one of my friend's mom made a comment just the other day that I was doing a fine job on raising Presley and while it was just very casually made, it really meant a great deal to me.  It also made me reflect on how I talk to others; do I encourage the people I love?  Either way, it was one of the best compliments I could have gotten at this point in my life and a great reminder to be a light to others!

All in all, I am in love with my life.  I love my friends.  I love my family.  I love my sweet nine month little girl.  I am so beyond blessed.  I wouldn't have picked this path for my life but that is what is so amazing about God's plan - it is so much better than our own!  I will leave you guys with some recent pictures -- much love and happy Thanksgiving to you guys; I hope everyone shares the day with some delicious food and reflecting on the people who bring you joy.

Two of my best friends - Katie S. and her nephew, Harlan - Katie D. and her nephew Landyn!
Both of them live out of town and it was so nice to get together while they were here.  Miss them so much!

Molly, Alli, & Presley at their latest hangout session.  Two and a half weeks until the twins are ONE!

Another one of my best friends, Betsy, posing with Presley!

My mom and Presley shortly after the choking incident. 
Presley gave her Gramma/Grammy a kiss before she left, too!

*Sigh*

So, the past few nights Presley has been going to bed between 7-8pm as she normally does.  But lately she's been waking up a few times before I even go to bed - she will usually cry/whine a little... sometimes I will need to go in there to hold her or flip her over or just pat her back but usually she will correct  it herself (whatever is bothering her) and will go back to bed.  It really hasn't bothered me much that this is going on but once I hear that she's awake I have a mini heart attack thinking about those newborn days where she would wake up and stay up for several hours.  So like I said, even though it doesn't upset me, I sometimes just find myself with a little black cloud over my head in those situations.  This is probably because I'm an anxious/worry-wart type person.

I just went in her room to check on her after she started crying and didn't settle back down.  I picked her up and just shushed and rocked her a bit.  And then she fell asleep on me after a minute or so.  This really hasn't happened in a long while and it just felt so nice.  I started to think about the fact that she is growing so much lately and each day she becomes less like a baby.  There are many pros and cons to leaving the baby stage... usually I focus on the pro section but tonight I couldn't help but think that my days of holding her like this may be numbered.  She's not even 8 months yet, so I am most likely jumping the gun on all of this.

Like I said, though, she is becoming less and less like a baby and I am typically loving all the fun and new things that come along with it.

I just want to remember how special and perfect moments like tonight are.

Family fun!

So, our first family vacation has come and gone and good news:  WE SURVIVED.

And we got to be with some awesome family members!
L to R:  Selena (my MIL), Judy (Papaw's wife), Tony (the hubby), Me & Presley, & Papaw Gordon (Tony's grandfather, Selena's dad)

To those of my bloggy friends who are new parents or expecting, let me just bust your bubble and tell you that vacations are vastly different with a little one.  (Just add that to the ever-growing list of things that just aren't the same as before having your babe!)  It's funny, you plan all these family outings and fun adventures (such as going to the zoo) and your baby could CARE LESS!  Not to mention, they have no idea what's really going on.

Presley at the zoo, probably thinking, "I am so bored! It's so hot out here! Where am I? I'm so confused..."

I think Presley had the most fun when we were at the hotel just relaxing in the room... aka, something we could just do at home!!!  :) Included in the things I thought Presley would be psyched about was swimming.  Here is part of her first experience swimming in our hotel's pool:

Presley's first swim experience!

She didn't love it but after the first few dips she didn't totally hate it, either!  It was a little tough at first to get Presley readjusted to our new surroundings, but after the first day she did really well, which even included sleeping through the night!  This was MUCH needed because for 4-5 days preceding our trip, Presley was waking up every 2-4 hours to eat.  It was tough going back to getting no sleep and being half awake while feeding her, but thankfully it was just a growth spurt after all.  And now we have her sleeping in her crib in her own room which is another big change.  She's getting through it and so are we but it's a little bit of a struggle but nothing out of the ordinary and some nights are better than others.  Lately she's been getting up at 2:30am every morning. 
And then again at about 3:30am.
And then again at about 4:30am.
And then, finally at about 5:30am she gets up and I feed her.

But really, it could be worse!  And it WAS just worse a few weeks ago so I guess I just need to suck it up and learn to love the sleep I get. 

And now something I worry about is whether or not we're putting her to bed at a decent time or not since she's not really showing clear signs of her being ready to go to bed.  I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to sleep soundly for a very long time or maybe ever again.  I feel like no matter what stage Presley is at there is always going to be something for me to stress out about and even more things that I don't quite understand about her.  But thankfully I'm not alone in it all!  Very glad to have my hubby to balance me out and to lean back on.

Look at that great daddy :)

So, we're back to everyday life and it's a mix of great moments and not so great moments.  I am somewhere between loving where we are at and wishing for better days with an older child.  Again, I know myself and I know I will miss the stage that Presley is at but I just feel like I still have no idea what I'm doing with all these "firsts."  I think that's why parents decide to have another child and willingly put themselves through all this stuff all over again -- because hindsight is 20/20 and they want to see how well they can do it the second time around!  I can definitely understand that and sometimes catch myself thinking the same thing... but then after those bad days I look at Tony and tell him I'm never going through this again!!!  But when you look at this sweet, silly baby face... it really melts away EVERY stress....