Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

First Time vs. Second Time

Blogging is the last thing on my mind these days.  The night before Tony was scheduled to go back to work, I was feeling so emotional.  Similar to last time around, I wondered how I was going to get through the day without him and I knew I would miss him 100% of the day.  Much UNLIKE last time, I really don't count down the hours/minutes/seconds until he's scheduled to get home and I truly think it's because I'm kept pretty busy here!  Last time around it was just me and a baby on our own - this time it is me, a baby, plus a smart, talkative 2.5 year old.  I have someone to talk to (thank you, Presley!) and nursing is a 24/7 task to keep busy with and although I do miss Tony, I don't feel as desperate as last time.  One of our family friends told me I would be too busy to miss him during the day and so far that has pretty much proved to be true!  Of course EVERY thing would be more fun if the whole family was together - and no amount of "busy" will cause me to forget that.

Anyways, these few revelations got me thinking about the similarities and differences I've experienced thus far with my two different newborns/post partum experiences.

Unlike last time, it is SUMMER (in the South) and not the dead of winter (in the Midwest).
Like last time, I sometimes feel like I have no idea what to do.
Unlike last time, I feel a LOT more joy and happiness throughout the day. {And to build on that, unlike last time, I am not experiencing post partum depression or anxiety besides the normal stuff!}
Though, like last time, I also have moments where I feel like giving up or that I'm literally going to have a mental breakdown - usually from a fussy baby + lack of sleep!
A lot like last time, I am SWEARING this is our last baby.
But unlike last time, our children have a sibling now, so that takes off the pressure to have another.
I'm breastfeeding again, like last time.  And like last time, I can't help but think formula feeding would be SO MUCH EASIER.
Though, unlike last time, I know how much easier breastfeeding gets and how fulfilling it can be - so I am still hanging on and have a greater depth of understanding on the breastfeeding experience.
Almost EXACTLY like last time, Molly is pulling on my hair like crazy.
Unlike last time, I am NOT going to chop my hair off... though I plan to have a haircut very soon.

Something else that has been sharp on my mind lately is my patience.  I have noticed that it is a tedious task to exercise patience every single day from start to finish.  I feel like by the end of each day I am snapping at someone - Presley, Molly, or Tony.  And unfortunately, it is usually Presley.  She is into everything... she is pushing limits and also teething.  Something has been making her very whiny and moody lately - whether it's the age, her lifestyle change thanks to the new sibling, or maybe the new teeth coming in. 

Whatever the cause it has made things interesting around here and at some times it is downright difficult to deal with.  And for the first time today I told her to go to her room.  And I didn't just tell her, I (irrationally) yelled it!  Her reaction?  Her eyes went very wide and she said, "okay" and went straight to her room.  Bad mommy moment.  I don't feel bad about reprimanding her for what she did (which was purposely knocking over a TV tray that held my water cup... spilling my water on the floor)... it was just definitely the yelling on my part that I regret.  And the overreaction on my part is something I do not want to become a habit.  I realize I'm not perfect but I also need to remember neither is she.  So, about 30 seconds after Presley went to her room, I set down Molly and followed Presley to apologize for my yelling.  Nobody can really warn you that being a parent is so tough in so many different ways.  Or really, that it is SUCH a learning experience.  How can one little person that you love so entirely also become so frustrating?

All things considered though, the twos have been much more terrific for us than terrible... which makes me nervous for the threes since I hear they're the new "terrible twos."  We'll see.  We have one hell of an awesome toddler so I really and truly think our life will continue to be terrific with her. 

Aside from all this fun, not too much is new in my life.  Thanks to my awesome little sister I am reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books and while I had my doubts about the books I have really come to love them!  I think the characters are fantastic and the book is well written.  I can't wait until the movie come out for Valentines Day!  At that point we will just about have a three year old (!!!) and Molly will be nearly 8 months old... how different will our lives be by that point?!  This is also the first book series that I've read solely over my phone (thank you Kindle app!) - that's been a neat experience and also makes me want a phone with a larger screen.  I'm not sure if I prefer it to physical books or vice versa yet... I think I enjoy either method of reading.

Finally, I will leave you with a few photos of my cuties from recently.

 

Hopefully it won't be so long until the next blog - I plan on doing monthly updates for Molly as I did for Presley {minus month one... sorry Molly!} - so stay tuned!  And for all you fifty shades fans... Laters, baby!

Marriage Monday: Head over "To the Sea"

This week's Marriage Monday entry is a little different this week.  After winning a giveaway last month that was hosted by one of my favorite bloggers, Erica, she asked me to guest blog and I was super happy to oblige!

You can check out my guest blog (here).  It's a little about our life since we said "I do!" and more specifically, about dealing with postpartum depression after the birth of Miss Presley Rose.  And while you are there you can get to know Erica as well!

I hope you enjoy it and leave some feedback!  It's not the easiest subject to open up about but is certainly a topic that deserves a conversation or two.

If you'd like to contribute to a future Marriage Monday, shoot me an e-mail.

Happy FIRST Birthday, my BEAUTIFUL baby!

That is my big, beautiful, 12-month-old girl right there.  She has proved herself to be so tough all while having such a sweet heart.  Presley is so independent and wants to prove she can do things on her these days.  But there are those moments, usually just before bedtime, where she will snuggle into my shoulder as I sing to her and she will let me hold her like the little baby that she still is to me.  I never understood how vulnerable being a parent could make you, but it really is exactly like they say... having a child is like letting your heart walk around outside of your body.  It's terrifying and completely satisfying at the same time.  From the day that we have our babies, we are constantly learning to "let go" a little more by the day (just like my mama friend, Sharon said in one of her blogs months ago, yet is still fresh in my mind) and while each milestone feels like such a momentous experience... it really is just a drop in the bucket (like my mama friend, Sean said in one of her blogs that has really stuck with me)!

I tried to convince myself that this would be nothing but "another day" or "just another experience" but to be honest, Presley celebrating her first birthday has really affected me.  I've been going through tons of pictures from my pregnancy to the day I gave birth to Presley and beyond.  It's all so life altering; I don't think I'll ever view what's happened to us within these last two years as anything short of amazing.

So here we are.  How did we get from here to this point?  All three of us somehow SURVIVED this first year as a family of three!  Not only that, but I feel like we hit our stride and we are in such a great, loving, and comfortable place together with some unbreakable bonds.  I love my little family so much more than I ever imagined possible.  It's the kind of absolute love that you just have to experience and feel first hand to understand and appreciate it's magnitude.  For those of you mamas and dadas out there who know what I mean, bless your heart.  And bless your little family!

Now, let me tell you what Presley has been up to lately...

• We went to the doctor today for her twelve month check-up and shots - and let me just say that this was definitely an emotional experience!  Instead of getting the vaccinations in her legs, they were in her arms this time and boy that must  have really hurt because there was a lot of tears... poor girl.  Presley's height was 28.25 inches (25% for height) and she weighed in at 18 pounds 9 ounces which put her in the 10% for weight... I was a whole POUND off when I weighed her at home last week!  Oh, and her head is staying strong within the 75%!  So far, she's lean like her daddy, about average height like her mama, and a huge ole head like her Uncle Sean.

• Presley is still a great eater and will try anything at least once!  She makes the funniest face while she chews lately... even if it's one of her favorites she will make a face as if you're feeding her lemons!  Carrots and bananas are still her favorites.
• She's standing up on her own and will shuffle-step around her musical activity table, but she's not really doing any walking on her own yet.  Though, she is a super fast crawler... especially if you do the whole "I'm gonna get you!" thing (which she thinks is so hilarious).
• Night-time routine is still the solid "Night Night Little Pookie" followed by tunes from her Twinkle Twinkle Little Scout then she snuggles up with mama and listens to me butcher songs such as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Edelweiss" from the Sound of Music (her favorite!).  There is no other place I'd rather be at night than tucking Presley in.  Literally, no where.  It makes me wonder what bedtime in our house would be like if we ever had more than one!
• Last month, I talked about Presley not yet having her first "big" injury.  Well, sad to say, she has had it.  While it shook up the entire house, we all survived and I don't specifically want to talk about it because it still upsets me!  What is truly comforting is reading blogs written by other mommies with kids around Presley's age who are going through the same stuff right now - the first big bumps/bruises/burns/injuries - and knowing we aren't alone!  I'm also very fortunate to have a strong husband and some of the best friends in the world who are always there for me - so thank you guys for helping me see that the things that feel like "BIG" things are actually just small things that are being magnified under a microscope.
• Still making baby wipes at home and that is going very well!  Highly recommend trying it out to see how you like it because it is so simple.
• No imminent end in sight just yet when it comes to breastfeeding.  The plan is to wait for cues from Presley that she is ready to end the breastfeeding relationship.  Until then, we are both content with our extra special bonding time.  What was once something that I once resented is something I will be sad to see go.
• She's saying words all the time - some of which we don't yet understand.  Others are clear as day such as "hi" "dada" and "mama" are the words she says regularly.  Her favorite phrase is "Hi dada" and she says it to Tony all the time.  Melts.  My.  Heart.  She is so sweet to him.
• She responds so well to our cues now... such as "Can I have a kiss?" to which she responds with a kiss; "Can you say YAY?" to which she starts clapping; "Presley, say HI." to which she starts waving and saying "Hiiiii".  There are a few other "tricks" of hers that are so cute, but those are my absolute favorites.  She also kisses her stuffed animals, babies, and even her blankies now.  (I die!!!!)

Here she is giving her puppy a kiss!

•  She's gotten so good about holding her sippy cup herself lately to take a drink.
•  Still has a bit of cradle cap (which isn't noticeable) which we got a great tip from my older sister to try a little of dandruff shampoo when showering her and it has really worked wonders!  Thanks for that tip, Amanda!
• Absolutely refuses bows on her head these days... so we got silly and when she ripped her bow off, Tony put it on Teddy Mosby, to which Presley responded unkindly to Teddy!

Pulling off her bow...

Daddy puts it on Teddy...

So Presley takes back her bow & slams Teddy's face to the ground!  So hilarious.

As you may recall, on Presley's birthday we asked our friends and family to send birthday videos for Presley - we got some really fun videos and I strung them together, check it out (shout out to Sean from A Mad Girl's Lovesong! Loved the video of you & Nat!)



In other news, I'm wanting to get into some sort of regular mommy playgroup so if any of you Quad City moms know of anything or would like to start something up - let me know and we will happily get something going!  (As you could guess we are certainly missing our weekly playdates with Molly, Alli, and Megan!!!!)

And this entry wouldn't be complete without telling you guys how much I love you all... thanks for being a part of our journey.  This year started out to be so tough for me as I battled what I assume was post-partum depression and your support and love and encouragement helped me to move mountains in my life.  I hope that all the struggling new parents who find themselves in a similar boat that I was in are lucky enough to have some real help in the form of family, friends, and even complete strangers!  You guys absolutely rock and I am forever in awe of humanity because of you guys.  Thank you for the jokes, listening ears, and empathy when I needed it most.

Three and a half weeks stronger!

So, this won't be much of a post, but I just wanted to write quickly that things are going well these days!

I think it helps tremendously that we are really getting a nightly routine together and Presley is starting to become a wonderful nighttime sleeper!!!  (I am SO proud of her!)  We are still laying down around 10pm -- some nights she doesn't get to sleep until 11pm but other nights she will drift right off!  She's sleeping about 3-4 hours between feedings and we'll usually get up for the day between 10am-noon.  I've been swaddling her the past couple of nights and she almost always uses her pacifier.  She's still in her bassinet in our room at the foot of our bed.  Thankfully, Tony is a very sound sleeper and he can sleep through our mid-night feedings, getting up for diaper changes, and even through her cries!  He's working about 11 hours each day and a few hours on Saturdays... this is fabulous for our bank account but I miss him so much throughout each day and wish we had more time together.  I know all this overtime isn't going to last forever, but right now is when I need his love, help, and support most.

Thank goodness for the friends and family members who have been supporting me each and every day, reassuring me that I'm strong enough and can make it through the day.  Oh, and thank GOD for TV shows like the Big Bang Theory, the Ellen Show, Two & a Half Men, Family Feud, the Chew & the Revolution.... shows I watch EVERY day that keep me laughing and feeling normal until I have some real adult interaction!!!

During the day I hold Presley while she naps on and off and even though I'm terribly afraid she'll never let me set her down ever again, I truly love bonding with her.  She already smiles all the time (but not really on purpose yet) and makes the funniest/sweetest faces ever; I am CONSTANTLY kissing her cheeks, head, etc! 

I've gotten so much more confident already in being a parent but I still cripple under all this responsibility that I'll have for the rest of my life.  (Oh.my.God!)  I feel more like myself these days, which I am hoping is a sign that my raging hormones have returned to somewhat normal-- I'm sure I'll never be "normal" again!  And I really do think that since we've gotten a better night routine down that this is helping things tremendously.  Unfortunately, I am caffeine-free in order to help our nightly routine, but honestly... it is worth it right now!  I'd rather continue breastfeeding (aka, saving money instead of buying formula!) more than I'd rather have an ice cold Coke!  (I really do miss it though and hate to see a Coca Cola commercial!!!!)  But 7-Up is doing the trick for me once a day!

Alright, that's all for this post.  Thanks again for all the support on the last post everybody... I appreciate it more than any of you may really know.  All the positivity, encouragement, love, laughs, and sharing your personal experience really makes me realize that I can and will do this and I will survive!!! :)  Keep it coming!