Words Fail.

After my dad died my family's life was flipped upside down. Mine. My sisters. My mom's life. And it took a long time for things to get back on track. While things were off track they got really bad. And while I feel some ownership to mention it because it's my story, it's not just my story to tell. But what I will say is that I felt unable to be held by my mom for a time while she dealt with the blows life was giving her. 

And do you know what? God is good. Even in the worst of times. He really is. God sent me the Jones family. God sent me Peyton Jones who became my best friend. One of the blessings that came along with Peyton was his mom, Leslie. And thank the Lord. That family came in when I needed them the most. They showed up and never left. I came to find that Leslie had the biggest heart. (If any one of her people loved you then she loved you.) And do you know what? She held me when my mom couldn't. That was huge. It's everything. She opened her arms, her house, her family to my sister and I time and time again and that's not something I could forget or ever begin to repay over the course of twenty years. To be honest, twenty is just a fraction of the time I thought I'd have with her. Leslie was barely 56. I thought I'd have more time. More time for everything. To let her know how loved she was. To let her know how irreplaceable she was. To let her know how special she was. To be there for her. To repay her. To show up for her and never leave.

While I sit here feeling cheated tonight it would be unfair not to properly acknowledge what memories we did get to make. The pink Nike bra she got me for my 13th birthday that Peyton was beyond embarrassed to give me but that was actually super cute. Going to Damen's house before prom & Leslie loving on us and taking our prom photos that I still cherish. The New Years Eve Tony and I spent at home with Leslie and Darryl. Yelling at us to hush way too many times when we played board games at her house way too late but not going so far as to kick us out because I think she loved having all of us there. Presley getting stung by several wasps and in the middle of me freaking out Leslie turns to me and tells me I need to color my grey hairs. 😅 Hundreds of normal, everyday moments that we didn't catalog in any way. Birthdays, baby showers, weddings, funerals, and holidays. 

Tony and I both know her as our second mom because that is exactly what she was to us. (And Darryl a second dad.) And then when our kids came along she became their unofficial Granny Leslie. All three of our kids loved her but Molly just always gravitated to her and would talk about Leslie all the time! And Leslie snapped such a great photo of Molly at a time when that little girl was much more in her shell than she is these days.

I am so grateful for this woman. Grateful for all her family that she brought into my life along with herself. Her sisters, cousins, kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews. It would be criminal to not acknowledge how much she loved her late husband, Darryl; their boys Peyton and Damen; and her grandkids Landon, Trinity, and Ryder. They lit up her life. 

My tab with Leslie Jones was overdue. It went unpaid. But to be honest, how do you repay something like that? She probably never would have let me anyways. She was a lover and a giver and she did it without strings. That was her nature. Words truly fail in this moment.

Leslie, There will never be another you for any of us. We are broken because it seems impossible to say goodbye when we weren't ready. I just pray you knew how much you meant to me and to all of us. How much you and your unconditional love truly carried me through good and bad days. How thankful I am for all the regular moments. The ones we didn't think to keepsake. How sorry I am that I ever squandered the time we had in between. But bigger than all that is all the love we have for you. Life will never be the same without you here. I promise to let your love and kindness live on in me. Thank you for every bit that you shared with me, taught me, gave me, showed me. I will never forget it.

Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

So long, 2018.

Before moving forward it's nice to take a look back at how far you've come. 2018 was a true rollercoaster of a year for the Duggan clan. We had some tough hits this year and we had so many good days. It was a full year.

January is when we began our homeschool journey with Presley and the month she also had her tonsillectomy. Molly got her first haircut and thanks to my wonderful husband I saw Finding Neverland with Selena.

In February we had lots of days at home, at the zoo, at Shelby Farms, and at the Children's Museum.

March brought Betsy's bachelorette weekend in Wilmington, NC! My first trip away from my family and a chance to see some far away friends and act like we were teens again. And I got to see so many of the One Tree Hill spots around town plus Betsy spotted one of the actors from the show, too!

Presley had her first cavity and filling in April and it was my first time mowing the lawn.

May was a super fun month as we all traveled to the Quad Cities for Betsy's wedding! It was Crosby's first time to Illinois. We had a fun afternoon in St. Louis while we were on the road, saw lots of family (including my cousin Breanne) for the first time in nearly three years, Betsy got married, and Crosby was baptized! We celebrated seven years of marriage which lined up perfectly with TJ & Barb getting married. We also ran our first 5k of the season at the zoo.

In June we ran our favorite 5k ever - the Harbortown 5k! We went to Dairy Queen to remember my dad on his birthday. We went to the splash pad at the Children's Museum. A lot. And we ran the Orion 5k in beautiful downtown Memphis.

I went back to the Quad Cities in July to see Jess marry Will! It also marked the 3rd time of seeing most of these far away friends in one year!!! Molly had a big month: she stopped sucking her thumb and became potty trained! We had an "underwear party" at IKEA since now she gets to go into the big kid playroom now that she's potty trained. Oh, and is it really July if you don't get matching Old Navy flag tees?!

August is a blur that I really don't remember much about other than I started teaching PRE (Parish Religious Education) with Amanda! Our first grade class is the sweetest bunch of kids.

The first day of September is 901 day which is the perfect time to reflect on how much I love the city of Memphis! I also went on one of the best, funnest dates ever when Tony surprised me for a ride around our beautiful city on Bird scooters!

 I also went to the beach...

...to say goodbye to someone who was already gone.

But I got to take a trip with my big sister. And I got my favorite sandwich. 

Then I had to say another impossible goodbye to someone who meant so much to me.

And afterward we celebrated her big, vibrant life with friends and family.

In October we did Fall stuff. Like my first ever pig race. And Crosby turned two! And we did Halloween stuff.

Next came November where we celebrated the Day of the Dead and had a feast at our house. I turned 31. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving at Amanda & John's and then had Selena over to our house for our first ever Thanksgiving meal at home!

In December we did Christmas stuff like seeing Santa and the Grinch. We celebrated Peyton becoming a fiancé. We saw so much family which is the absolute best part of the holidays.

Like I said: 2018 was a very full year. I'm ready to carry what remains from the last year along with me into 2019. The heartaches, the lessons learned, the promises kept, the loved ones both here on earth with us and those locked up tight in our hearts. So long, 2018. I hope to have learned something from you.