It's a...

So, I was just reading a blog post written by one of my favorite blogger friends -- Sean @ A Mad Girl's Lovesong -- and because of her great writing and the genuine emotion I felt while reading it, my mind was flooded with the memories surrounding the week of our gender scan ultrasound last October.

When we found out we were pregnant, we were lucky enough to have a local pregnancy clinic (Pregnancy Resources) that offered a free ultrasound.  We were supremely blessed to be able to see our baby at about 11 weeks.  This was my first experience with ultrasounds and the only thing I knew of them were pictures I had seen of other people's ultrasounds in the past.  So call me an airhead, but I was pretty stunned when we got going and we actually saw our baby moving around on the screen!!!  I actually started laughing and couldn't fight back the tears.

Immediately after the ultrasound, the nurse left the room.  Tony and I both said we felt like it was a boy just by watching "him" move around on the screen.  I hadn't really thought about my preference - a boy or girl - at that point since we really hadn't know we were expecting for too long at that point.  I was excited at the thought of having a son, and while I was leaning towards a boy, I really didn't get my heart set on anything just yet.  We left that appointment with a packet of information and headed home with a few ultrasound pictures.

One of the papers in the packet of information was for another local pregnancy clinic that was looking for pregnant women in their second trimester to come in and get a free ultrasound.  I was only in my first trimester at the time, but I gave them a call.  They would be training new technicians soon and said it would be a great help if I set up an appointment with them, so of course I did.  I would be about sixteen weeks along when we went in for the ultrasound and I could not wait!

We had a great time at the appointment and got to see our little baby again...

I knew 16 weeks was pretty early to tell, but I decided to ask anyway if they could tell the gender of our baby.  The trainee called in her boss because she had a really high accuracy rate for predicting the gender early on.  She told us that she wasn't sure, but if she had to bet, she would say it was a girl.  Since she really wasn't too sure, Tony and I told each other that we would only share that information with the people we were closest to and not make too big a deal out of it and just wait a few more weeks until our gender scan.

But to be honest, I really started thinking we were having a girl.

So, a few weeks later (I was 19 weeks along at this point), it was FINALLY time for our first ultrasound at our doctor's office and there was really no containing our excitement!  At this ultrasound, the nurse has to look all over at the baby's body to make sure everything looks alright and that is exactly what happened.  She went through the brain, heart, internal organs, everything and explained each image as we went.  When it came time to reveal the baby's gender, our baby would NOT cooperate because our baby's legs were bent and the little feet were in the way.  The nurse tried and tried and tried and the more she tried the more upset I felt.  We were there for what felt like FOREVER.  She apologized and said she couldn't get a good view whatsoever but if she had to guess, it'd be a boy, but that she really wasn't sure of that.

WHAT?!  I was shocked at how unsettled I was at this news.  Not just the fact that she couldn't get a clear view, but that we were having a boy when I was sure it was a girl!  I just left feeling so defeated and really confused.  Tony and I made the decision to pay $100 out of pocket to get an ultrasound to find out what we were having.  We made the appointment for just a few days later, the earliest they could get us in.

Now let me just say, the place we went was seemingly sketchy as they had no one in the medical field that worked at this place.  The lady said they were trained to read ultrasounds and to be honest, at this point I was so desperate to find out I would do anything!  While we were waiting to get sent back into a room, Tony and I talked in the lobby about how we were feeling about finding out the gender.  We asked each other what we were hoping for and if we'd be upset if it wasn't what we expected.  Tony was holding out for a boy and said he would be fine with whatever.  I, on the other hand, wanted a girl and I admitted it might take me a little while to get excited about having a boy.  I know... that's awful, but it's just how I felt in the moment.  (I know for a fact that there are so many things I would have been thrilled about when it comes to having a boy, so it wouldn't have taken me very long to rebound if we got that news.)

So, every ultrasound we had up until this point was crisp, clear, and easy to understand.  However, at this place, the machine looked outdated and the picture was so dim and fuzzy.  So, the lady tried to get a good view but was having a hard time.  Finally, she said:  Well, I'm pretty sure you're having a girl.  I asked her again and again to check so she could be absolutely certain and she ended up saying she was 99% sure it was a girl!

I was just so happy I couldn't even stand it.  I just felt such a strong feeling after finding out we would bring a baby girl home.  But that strong feeling would soon be trumped by the moment I felt Presley being laid on my chest for the first time.

We are so blessed to be the parents to Presley and I wouldn't change a moment of it for anything in the world. 

ps, Sunday is the last day to vote for Presley for the QC's cutest kid! Don't forget, you can vote everyday!

The Parent I Want to Be.

Have you ever felt so empowered by the positivity passed on from someone else that you could cry?  Okay, maybe this is coming from a place filled with pregnancy hormones... but really, have you ever felt like that, pregnancy or no pregnancy?  You guessed it, I totally feel like that right now.  Every week I go to prenatal and parenting classes at a local place called "Pregnancy Resources."  They offer pregnant women a chance to learn more about what they embarking on as well as giving free diapers for the classes you attend with chances to earn things like a free crib, car seat, as well as free maternity and baby clothes.  At the class today we discussed ways to be an affirming, attentive, and connected parent as mapped out in the Parrott's book "The Parent You Want to Be" and it filled me full of great ideas.  And for the first time in a LONG time, I am starting to feel at peace with becoming a parent;  knowledge really is power.  I'm starting to feel like I am one of those people who really was made for this, not just something I am accidentally stumbling into because I am biologically able to have children.  Instead, I am feeling capable of loving a little person and making them feel like they belong to someone in this world.  Ahh, I love it.

So, more about feeling empowered....

Tonight in class the instructor asked everyone some of their fears in parenting, specifically, what are you afraid will influence your child in a negative way?  People said things like the media, peers, etc. and for one reason or another illness popped into my head.  Like many first time parents, I am terrified at the possibilities of mental and physical ailments burdening my baby, especially illnesses that run in the family (mood disorders, diabetes, etc).  Not to mention, I am also afraid of the possibility of other mental and physical illnesses that would deeply change our lives.  I'm thankful our instructor addressed each and every fear addressed because her observation is the reason I feel so at peace tonight.  She suggested that instead of asking God for a perfect, healthy child, we should instead be asking for the capability to love our child, no matter what may come.  And in that instant, the part of my brain filled with those worries released them and turned into a place of understanding and love.  In addition, my prayers are going to change drastically as well.  Like I said, this has already brought me so much peace.  I realized that asking God for what I want to be done is really doing me injustice... I've been asking God for a healthy child to love -- as if I couldn't or wouldn't be able to love one who isn't.  (Of course, that is not what I feel inside or what I was asking for, but essentially that is where my fears obviously lie.) 

And afterall, isn't that what we promise to do for our spouses when we say our vows when we dedicate that we will love them no matter what may come...

"I take you for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."  

Why should that be any shock or any different for someone else we are bringing into this world?  It shouldn't be and really, it isn't shocking -- it just surprises me that I was looking at these things from a different angle than what I am seeing now.  It is a great feeling.

Anyways, if you think you'd be even the least bit interested, you should give that book I linked above a look or two.  It is full of practical ways to be an affirming, attentive, connected, patient, authentic, insightful parent everyday and is written by a pair of married doctors with two little boys of their own.  It doesn't just follow their philosophies, but the philosophies of many parents they talked to and surveyed.  I will definitely be ordering myself a copy after tonight's wonderful class!



Peacefully,

God, I ask you to give us the ability to be loving parents to whomever we are greeted with in February.  This child has already been such a blessing to each of us personally, to our marriage and our extended families as well.  I ask that You continue to soothe my worries with the peace You've given me today;  there is a definite amount of peace in switching from my will filled with selfish ways to Your will that is full of selflessness and humility.  I pray I never forget that I am called to be Your servant in every way.   
Thank you for today.

"But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul."

                               Deuteronomy 4:29