Closing THAT Door.

Every single time that we've been in the thick of the newborn phase I have begged Tony to PROMISE me that we won't do this again. Yes... even with our first kid. The exhaustion outweighed the preciousness for me. It didn't negate the beauty of it all. But the beauty didn't take away the need for sleep either.

After our second kid, Tony thought we were really done. The spinal fluid leak issue I experienced certainly added to that for him. And again, the newborn phase that was chock full of sleep deprivation, I thought I was done, too. But then magically around the one year postpartum mark after having Molly, the baby fever started up again like it did around the same time frame after having Presley, too.

Can you blame me?!

I really had to talk Tony into trying for a third kid. But eventually he got on board. Even before baby #3 came, we pretty much decided this was it because we thought that would be the most responsible choice financially moving forward for our family. And then in the thick of the newborn phase and perhaps the worst of the sleep deprivation we'd experienced yet, I really pushed for Tony to have a vasectomy. Because I was done. He was done. 

{Reason #16 I love my husband: He was absolutely okay with going through with any potential pain from a vasectomy because he acknowledged the sacrifices and hardships I endured while bringing our children into the world. He looked at it as his contribution... this was something he could do for us.}

And so, he had one. The procedure was really simple and they even let me watch! It was fascinating and a little thrilling to be on THIS side of it all. (I was always the one on the table in stirrups with Tony watching and vowing to take care of me afterward.) I was FULLY prepared to tell Tony to SUCK IT UP because this was surely going to be a painless procedure and I'd had THREE KIDS and this was nothing in comparison. But as I watched it happen I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT AND THROW UP ON THE WAY DOWN. It did NOT look painless. So... if you find yourself in my spot then I actually do suggest watching your husband have his vasectomy because I did not pass out or throw up AND most importantly I was so much more understanding, empathetic, and compassionate to the pain that Tony was in afterward. (Of course also a nice reminder that measuring pains is stupid! Pain is pain!) Just like that we decided we were done and we closed the door on having more kids.

And for a while I was okay with that. Until I wasn't. I think we even talked about the fact that this would likely happen... that as time went on I'd open my heart back up to having more and that we'd better go ahead with the vasectomy BEFORE it got to that. And man, there have been some times where I've just felt heartbroken over it. How I wish we could have another. How I wish I wouldn't have insisted on it.  And honestly I wonder if that'll ever fully go away. It's gotten better but part of me still wants to have and hold another baby of ours.

For the first time I stopped to think of something today. Tony and I have been married for 8.5 years now and LITERALLY EVERY BIT OF IT I have been pregnant OR breastfeeding. 100% of our marriage has been about building and growing our family. Nearly nine years of my life has been dedicating my body to that dream.

(Yep, got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh yeah, I'm still breastfeeding Crosby. I've whittled it down to just once in the morning after he wakes up/while I'm still waking up. If it was up to Crosby he'd still be breastfeeding morning/noon/night. Yes, he is three years old. No, I did not intend to breastfeed this long. Yes, this is the longest one of my children has ever breastfed. Yes, I'm a little sensitive to negative comments about it. No, I do not intend to breastfeed until he's school aged. And as always I'm absolutely open to talking about it if anyone has any questions!) 

So while I really do think part of my melancholy about not being able to have any more children is truly over the fact that I really would enjoy loving and raising another baby of Tony and mine... maybe it's also the unease of closing the door on this huge, life-altering chapter of my life. And back at the time of Tony's vasectomy, I didn't stop to reflect on how I would feel about it all at this point. Or maybe I thought I'd finally feel okay about being done having kids. But so far, I'm not feeling peace in our decision. I'm trying to navigate my own feelings and balance them with the feelings of my husband as well as the reality of what's best for our family.

So, our door is closed.

Both my home and heart are full. So many days I question how I am even going to be a good mom to the three kids I have today. And some days my heart aches for the kids I'd still love to know. I'm grateful for my husband who meets me where I am that day and loves me through everything marriage and parenthood and life in general has tossed our way. I'm looking forward to taking better care of this body that has put in so much work and seen a lot of transformations over these last 8.5 years.

I'm hopeful for this new chapter. For our marriage and for our family. And I'm grateful we get to navigate it together.

One Lifelong Dream {thursday thoughts}

I started this {Thursday Thoughts} blog series three and a half years ago. And the latest entry? Yeah... I wrote that over a year ago. Mostly because I really don't write much anymore. Another big reason is because this last blog is so daunting. Name a lifelong dream. How do I begin to breathe life into something so big when so much of myself has been carved out when I became a mom. Gutted. To make room for the wants and needs of the others I helped bring into this world. I'm aware that it doesn't have to be this way but for me, it's just my reality. And I feel ashamed of it. Which is why I've put off this last one. BUT. I don't like to leave things unfinished... so here we go.

Here are the first nine of them:

ten nine eight seven six five four three two

Two of the biggest dreams I had for my life for as long as I can remember were to get married to someone I loved so deeply and to have babies. I don't really remember how many kids I envisioned for my life but three makes sense. I came from a family of three kids and several families in my extended family had three babies as well. As some of you may know I've got a bucket list on my blog as well that I chip away at every so often. Things like visit Times Square for New Years Eve, plant a flower & veggie garden, get tickets to a live taping of the Ellen show, etc. Many of them are "little" things. Or things that were important to me a long time ago that almost just feel like they don't fit me anymore.

I feel like this one lifelong dream has to be something big and sentimental or else it will seem superficial. (That I would feel superficial.) I could easily say one of the bigger things from my list like writing my own book series or going back to college for an additional degree. And while those are dreams of mine I wouldn't necessarily say they're something I feel super passionately for at this point in my life. But there is something I have felt ultra passionate about for as long as I can remember and continue to this day. I'll give you one guess.







Did you say DISNEY? Because if you did... you probably know me in real life or we've been friends for a while.

The first Disney Park we visited on our honeymoon in 2011 -- Magic Kingdom

I think the dream of working for Disney or visiting ALL of the Disney Parks would qualify as a lifelong dream of mine. I'd like to visit the parts of the world where each Disney Park is, too, so it really works out well.

Disneyland Resort -- Anaheim, California
Walt Disney World Resort -- Orlando, Florida
Tokyo Disney Resort -- Tokyo, Japan
Disneyland Paris -- Paris, France
Hong Kong Disneyland Resort -- Hong Kong, China
Shanghai Disney Resort -- Shanghai, China

So far I'm 1/6 and looking at my life now, both dreams feel a little impossible.

The second Disney Park we visited on our honeymoon in 2011 -- Animal Kingdom

I'm so grateful my husband is crazy in the same way that I am -- we both love all things Disney. I'm so happy I got to be with him when he experienced his first Disney Park and I hope we get to experience the rest of them together. And now we are raising some next generation Disney addicts... our kids have the same love for all things Disney that we do! I know that this lifelong dream seems really surface-level to a great many people. And perhaps it is. But it's something that brings us so much joy. It's the going on adventures and making memories. It's the having so much fun being kids together with each other and with our own children. (And our in-laws on our last two trips!) 

Hollywood Studios on our honeymoon in 2011

We've talked about moving to Florida near Walt Disney World. Or at least closer. It would be extremely hard leaving our family here but it's something we would love to try out someday.

Tony and I at EPCOT on our honeymoon in 2011

While writing today it really brought to the forefront of my mind how it's not okay to put myself on the back burner the way that I do. I can be a better me and I feel like it'll help make me a better mom and wife and household manager. I hope to cross off some bucket list items this year and add some more to the bucket list, too. I think we're our best selves when we keep dreaming. It's been a while since Tony and I did some dreaming together so I think that'll be something I try to address with him this month. Put the kids to bed at a decent time and just write out some dreams for ourselves. It's something I used to prioritize on New Years Eve. We would write dreams and goals for ourself, for our marriage, and for our family for the new year. The last several years I've planned to do this and we just get too busy. Just because it's not the eve of a new year doesn't mean it's too late to start again for this year.