Bad Mommy. (Crosby: 1.5 year update)

For my first two kids I pretty well kept up with their growth and milestones on my blog. Third kid? Not so much. I can't remember the last time I updated about Crosby. Poor buddy!

So let me tell you a little bit about my buddy, Crosby, these days. He's a solid 20 months old - nearly 21 months - so we are somehow closing in on his second birthday. (HOW?!) And we're still breastfeeding. If it were entirely up to me then we would probably be done with it by now but Crosby is still really attached to nursing. I will - no doubt - miss it when we're done. Or at least parts of it. Like the closeness. And how Crosby automatically comes to me for comfort or a place to fall asleep. I can't wait to have a bit more personal space at the moment... but I know it'll be something I miss down the road.

It seems like Crosby will NEVER be done with "milkies" though. Molly weaned herself around 18-19 months of age and I had to cut Presley off at 23 months due to my pregnancy with Molly (I was so super ready for a break from BFing before starting all over again with Molly + I was so uncomfortable and sore during pregnancy) so we're not far off from the end of the other breastfeeding relationships in my life. I plan to write another breastfeeding blog one of these days...

Last month we finally got Crosby baptized. We were back in the Quad Cities (where we lived for 5 or so years) for Betsy's wedding and had Crosby baptized while we were in town. It was wonderful to have our Illinois friends and family there and meaningful to have him baptized at Christ the King -- a church with a lot of personal history for us.

That's Father Levitt. When Tony went through RCIA before our wedding I was lucky enough to sponsor him. Which meant I got to go to classes with him every week for several months. It was honestly such a great thing to go through together ahead of getting married. Father Levitt was at classes every week and I feel like we got to know him really well in that time period. Then came the Easter vigil and Tony experienced baptism, first communion, and confirmation - all with Father Levitt. A few weeks later Father Levitt married us. And then a year later he baptized Presley. There were so many beautiful, unforgettable moments that took place at Christ the King.

So when the opportunity presented itself to have Crosby baptized there by Father Levitt, I jumped at the chance. The baptism took place privately after mass and while I missed my favorite moment where Father says during mass, "Welcome the newest member of our Catholic faith!" -- it was really perfect and intimate and full of meaning for us. We asked my cousins, Drew and Breanne, to be his godparents. Both people who I can only hope my kids get the chance to know because they are some of my favorite people on the planet. Two loving, selfless, hilarious, kind-hearted people Crosby would be lucky to have in his corner. Two people who will be great guides for my little man throughout his life.

Crosby's vocabulary has really exploded lately. I really think Crosby could live off of beans - especially black beans. And milk, of course. He's still a little peanut... he's in a size 4 diaper and he's mostly in 24 month clothes. Oh... and he goes pee on the potty every so often! He'll tell us to put him on the potty and then he'll go! It's awesome and I love how proud he looks afterwards. He is OBSESSED with Daddy and Mommy. He loves his sisters like crazy. He loves his cousins & also looks up to his cousin Matthew in the sweetest way. Crosby loves to play in the water and thinks he is WAY BIGGER than he actually is in the water. It's already so difficult watching three kids in the water at once but when the younger two are literally FEARLESS it makes mommy a little uneasy!

So anyways -- that's the update on my little third born buddy boy who has a super neglected presence on my blog and so many empty pages in his baby book but who has a HUGE place in my heart and all the love he can handle from his family. I love you so much, Crosby Thomas. You are such a hilarious kid with an insanely unique personality and each day we get together I cherish because it's one more opportunity to get to know you. You are such a blessing to our family, big guy.

HBD, Dad.

My dad would have entered his sixties today.

Honest question here: What are you really supposed to do to celebrate the birthday of someone you love who has passed away? I ask because I'm honestly curious what other people think about it as well as how others spend those days.

If I were the dead one, I am sure I'd want the people who love and miss me to do something that makes them happy. And also something that makes them think of me. Something that would make other people happy.

This year I thought about it and figured 60 is a pretty monumental birthday. I wanted to do something for my dad's birthday that would honor him & his life... things he would maybe be doing if he were still alive today - mostly things that would bring other people joy because that's what he would be doing if he were still alive.

So I'm actively putting together a list of 60+ things to do for my dad's 60th birthday. Things that will make me happy. Ways to remember my dad... to honor him... to make it feel like there are little pieces of him still on earth that he left behind. Ways to make Grampa Scott more real for my kids. Little things, big things... things me and Dad did together and some of the things we didn't have time to do. It's a way to take one of those BIG "I miss you" moments and make it something happy and beautiful.

Here are some of the things on the list so far:

1. Donate blood every 8-10 weeks. I'm really NOT excited about this one. I have terrible veins and as a result really hate needles and giving blood or anything dealing with needles... but Dad was big on donating so I'm gonna give it a go.
2. Take the kids to Dairy Queen, Cici's Pizza, Backyard Burgers... the places he used to work at and where I have memories of going to see him!
3. Take the kids to a hockey game. My dad loved hockey and liked to go to games... he also loved to support local sports. I think he would have really loved having an NBA team in Memphis!!!
4. Take the kids to a redbirds game. He loved baseball - especially the Cubs!

Once I get the list together I'm sure I'll post it in it's entirety... but those are some examples for now. If you have some ideas for the list, feel free to share because I'd love to hear them.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

Too Much.

I can't count the number of times recently where I felt like I just didn't quite belong. I walk away from an interaction with someone else thinking - what it is about me that people either just don't get or don't like? Was I not being friendly enough? Do I seem uncaring, unapproachable, unwelcoming? Am I just too boring? Or was I just being TOO much? Overly familiar? Too sensitive? Too loud? Too quiet?

Does anyone else feel like that? And when did that start? Because my girls are so unapologetically themselves. They seem so comfortable in their skin. And thank God for the many people around them allow them that space to be who they are. I look at them and hope that they never become smaller to fit inside any box someone else tries to place them in. I hope they aren't made to feel like they need to be any different than who they are right now.

In the end, I mostly chalk my hurt feelings up to being a product of my own (many) insecurities. It's taking me a little while to realize that it's okay to not always be liked. People are either going to like me or not and what someone else ultimately decides about me is out of my control. I'm not going to be everybody's cup of tea. "You are not for everyone....

...and that's okay. Talk to the people who can hear you." The words above from Rebecca Campbell are absolute poetry in those moments where you feel rejected and need reminding that what you offer isn't going to be appreciated or accepted by every person you meet.

And incase you need the extra reminder from Glennon just as much as I do: "You. Are. Not. TOO. Anything. Just show up." Be you. FOR YOU. Not for anyone else. Love people and love yourself. Let people love you. And if the people you love don't love you back, then it's time for you to move on. Stop trying to make yourself fit into a box that is not shaped for you.

The Balancing Act.

So I have this great devotional for women "100 Days of Praise" and towards the end of 2011 (yep... over 6 years ago) I started reading and blogging along each day. And even though I've had over 2,000 days to complete the 100 days of praise... I only blogged about 9 of them. NINE! Yikes. So here we go in a new year and my goal is to pick this book up and give it my focus and attention. It's so much easier to feel positive when you take a moment to give thanks for the good things in your life. My life is more fulfilling when I include God in it and make time for Him. And I'd like to thank a recent conversation with a lifelong friend of mine who pointed out that it's silly as heck to let my issues with a certain subset of Christians get in the middle of my relationship with Christ. So while I'm not entirely sure where I stand with organized religion and I'm on very shaky ground in my spiritual life... I am looking to repair much of that. Baby steps.

Today's point of praise: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11: 28-30) Day #10

Life is not a cake walk. It's a balancing act. It's about balancing responsibilities with fun. About balancing rest with work. Balancing who I am as a mother with who I am as an individual outside of that role. Trying to find balance in the amount of money coming in with what we spend every month. It's about balancing all kinds of things. On one side of the spectrum is over-commitment and the other there is under-commitment. When we give in to fear we often attempt too little in life and when we let our pride take over we attempt too much. When we attempt too much we stay busy and sometimes so busy that we bite off more than we can actually chew. It's an overwhelming pace. When we attempt too little we often regret the opportunities and moments we missed out on which can cause sorrow or guilt.

"To do too much is as dangerous as to do nothing at all. Both modes prevents us from savoring our moments. One causes me to rush right past the best of life without recognizing or basking in it, and the other finds me sitting quietly while life rushes past me."  

Patsy Clairmont

In my life I often let fear into my heart and head and it often takes a front seat with full reign over my life. There is fear of rejection. Fear of germs. Fear of injury. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgment. And when we let our fear take over we lose. We lose the ability to try or to even just put ourselves out there. We take away our own potential happiness. Because of those fears we often don't even attempt the things we want for ourselves. And the same goes for those of us who err in the other direction. When we fail to listen to the messages God is sending for us we may be missing out on the balance we need. And we miss out on living our best, most rewarding life.

It's easy to get comfortable and complacent in our daily lives. The uncomfortable is more difficult, more complicated, and often requires personal growth - which is often accompanied with growing pains. Who wants to willingly welcome pain? Who wants to let the messiness of being our most authentic selves in?

What sounds better - an easy day or a difficult day? Kind of a no-brainer. Easy wins just about every time!

Now think about your most rewarding days... were they easy days or difficult days? Did that super important day require work to get you where you ended up? Were all the "growing pains" worth it? Absolutely.

When we include God in our everyday journey - through prayer/reflection - and when we trust in Him we have a better understanding of what contentment and balance looks like in our own life.

Lord, let your priorities be my priorities.

Falling in {Young} Love

Seventeen years ago this week, I was falling in love.  And I was thirteen.  People would tell me I was young and naive, that it wasn't really love, and more... and to be honest, I started to believe them.  Not that what I was feeling wasn't genuine - because I never doubted that - but that maybe with time and age I would realize that it was more infatuation than actual love.  That maybe it felt more intense because I had never experienced it before. 

It was the weekend before Martin Luther King Day and my sister, Amanda - who was fifteen at the time, and I went on a ski trip with a church in our neighborhood.  I'm not sure how many of us there were, but there were at least twenty of us in middle school and high school going on the ski trip - both guys and girls.  My best friend, Christine, was going too and I was super excited to have a fun weekend away with her.  Peyton & Damen were going and that meant Tony was going, too.  (Because back in those days they went just about everywhere together.)  There were two vans to take the group of us from Memphis to Gatlinburg... my sister went into one with a bunch of the kids her age and I went into the other with my friends.  Tony hadn't decided which one he was riding in and I was just PRAYING he would hop into mine.  I remember one of the older girls telling Tony he should get in their van and I just remember feeling crushed.  I don't know what exactly made him decide to get into the van I was in... but for WHATEVER reason we ended up in the same van I am so extremely thankful!  It was on that trip in that moment that we got to know each other a little more, we became better friends, and made some fun memories.  It was on that trip that I truly started falling in love with Tony.  And what took place over that long weekend are things I'll never forget.

I think about one particular moment often - what if he would've chosen the other van?  Would he have made those memories with someone else?  And where would we be now?  This story could've been one between him and someone else.

So, I thank God for Martin Luther King and everything he did to advance the lives of all humankind.  The sacrifices he made and the extremely difficult, intensely beautiful journey he took.  While that will always be the focus of the day for me, I can't help but remember how the long weekend holds a secret, special place in my heart and how it always will.  And thank God for falling in young love.

Brain Dump.

There is so much going on at all times that what I need right now is an "empty" button for my brain. So, hold on tight because there is no telling where this post is headed...

#1 
Presley gets her tonsils out soon. Like, next week. Before I could even publish this we ended up having to reschedule the procedure. So she'll still have to have her tonsils out but not until mid-January. And I have so many feelings about it.

Mostly, I am just worried about Presley having surgery. Are we making the best decision for her? (I think so.) How is she going to react to the medicine? How in the hell are we all going to handle her recovery?! I'm sure it'll all fly by - these days usually do - but leading up to it I have so many worries. Especially knowing & loving Presley. She is just so precious. I hate seeing her hurting and this will be tough. It's nice knowing she gets to have popsicles and ice cream and all the fun things during this sucky time, though. And I know that this surgery is soooo common - especially for kids Presley's age. BUT! You worry about your kid being the ONE KID who has a complication. Oh and not to mention Presley's big worry... what if she can feel the pain during the surgery? That breaks my heart! Who wouldn't be scared of that happening? But how in the world did her five year-old little brain connect those dots all on her own?? And how do I put her worries at ease? We have talked about it somewhat and I plan on finding a YouTube video explaining the process of a tonsillectomy and recovery to give Presley a visual explanation of what to expect.

But there's a small part deep down in me that feels a little ready to have this done. That maybe it really will help her stay well more often. Not to mention the fact that one of her tonsils/glands is constantly swollen no matter what makes me ready to get them out.

#2
You know how people say this time of the year is the worst for germs? Well I can't remember a time when someone wasn't sick in this house! We've had puking. We've had unpleasant bathroom stuff. We've had so many snotty noses. We've had pink eye. We've had strep and tonsillitis. We've had pink eye... again! This is all within the last month or so. I am so grateful it is these minor illness and we bounce back. But then we fall right into the next pit waiting right ahead of us. It's been so incredibly draining and defeating. Again... so thankful for overall good health. So so so tired of germs. Currently 5/5 of our family members are ill to varying degrees with various ailments. Looking forward to Spring and it's not even technically winter yet...

#3
I've been working on getting our Christmas cards out this year... usually I'm pumped and ready to go. Like I want to send them out RIGHT after Thanksgiving. This year I kinda waited and debated just saving the money and not sending them out. Thanks to tons of good deals and codes for Shutterfly and Tiny Prints that I got from various e-mail newsletter subscriptions we got several different, beautiful Christmas cards for dirt cheap this year. Unfortunately I'm still waiting on the last 1/2 of our Christmas cards - they got delayed or lost along the way - so if you haven't gotten a card from us yet don't worry. Or if you'd like to swap Christmas cards with us this year and we haven't in the past - just shoot me a text or email (aduggan520@gmail.com) and we'll get that going!

Our Christmas cards through the years... 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, & 2016

#4
And this is a big one... we've decided to homeschool Presley after the first of the year. This will more than likely require it's own blog post down the road (why we chose to homeschool midyear, our plans going forward, etc) but it's not something we've decided on a whim. And if you know me well enough, you know this has been on my heart for a long time now - before we even started Kindergarten this year. I will say that many things throughout the school year prompted this course of action. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intimidated to be in full charge of Presley's academic learning but I have so much excitement and enthusiasm to get started.

#5
Tony and I went to see The Last Jedi last week and IT WAS SO GREAT and I already want to see it again. I don't want to spoil anything so I won't say more. But I thought the movie was so dynamic and different yet fit so well with the existing movies in the saga. It stands well in it's own right while working to tell a much bigger story. I love the new characters/animals/places. And mostly - and I know this might be selfish - but I just don't ever want those stories to end. In short, if you're on the fence about it...

GO. SEE. THIS. MOVIE.

L: Us seeing The Force Awakens 12/2015 & R: Us seeing The Last Jedi 12/2017

I asked Presley to make her "Rey" face and I think she nailed it

#6
Christmas is SO FUN. We've been taking it easy this year and not being too busy or getting too crazy with things this year and that's been wonderful. When we do Christmas activities it makes me enjoy them THAT much more! My favorite things so far was visiting Alpine Village (a local church puts together a free Christmas village WONDERFUL, interactive event for the community), checking out amazing local Christmas lights (including Graceland!), and baking/decorating Christmas cookies. And the thing that makes all this so much fun? Our kids. Their varied but always excited reactions make the season so bright. And even though I mentioned these before... Christmas cards are the BEST. I love seeing everyone's different take & the family photos.

#7

 If you have a moment & anything to spare - change, prayers, anything - please consider directing them to the Manthe family. Reanna is a friend of mine & my heart is breaking hearing the latest news in her journey.  It’s not fair. None of it. Reanna is funny & smart & has a beautiful family who love her & none of this has been easy on any of them but they seem to navigate each hurdle with so much strength or resolve or something I can’t seem to find a word for. I wish I lived closer. I wish there were something more I could do. This is the very least I can do here to share her story & to ask anyone who is looking for a person or family to direct some Christmas kindness towards - I’ve found such a deserving family here. Here is the link to her YouCaring page to read more & for those who would like to donate.

{A message from Reanna’s husband Nathan as of 12/16/2017: Well, this is the hardest post I’ve ever had to write. We took Reanna to Houston this week to consent for a new trial. We found out that this was not possible. We have found out that the journey will be coming to an end. Reanna has 8 weeks or less to live. We told the kids this evening and now we are sharing it with the rest of you. There are no treatments left for her. Reanna is still in Houston and we will be working to bring her home once we have hospice set-up here. We cannot thank you all enough for the support and help you have given us throughout this journey. We ask that people are here for the kids especially because they are least equipped to deal with this and need the most love. Reanna is an amazing person who will be missed. If you have questions please text me or message me. Love you and thank you all.}

Chores {Marriage Monday}

In an attempt to put off some housework I should currently be doing I'll instead write a blog post about chores...

Before we had kids and we had unlimited time to talk about our relationships, my sister and I had a conversation about duties around the house. Do you split them up evenly? Do you share the tasks? Do you have set, specific chores you do regularly? Or do you switch them up?

My sister was of the mindset that if her and her husband switched up the tasks and didn't assign specific chores to "his or hers" then they wouldn't get burnt out on them. Which is a good idea in theory. But was about six years and three kids ago. And I'm pretty sure they have designated chores these days. 

For the most part we have our assigned chores around here. He takes out the trash. {Reason #15 I love my husband: He takes out our yucky trash for me!} I do the dishes. He's supposed to be in charge of the laundry. (I loathe the laundry.) Which mostly means he will put them in the washer & dryer & then once they're clean they sit in a basket for the longest time. To be fair - we have way too many clothes. It makes me want to throw them away and live minimally - just have capsule, versatile wardrobes. I really think that if we had a more functional laundry room that I would enjoy the task a little more. I do the cooking. He mows the lawn. I do the grocery shopping. We both do bedtime for the kids. (Or is that not supposed to be considered a chore...) 

It just makes me wonder what it's like in other households. Do you guys switch up the housework or is it usually done by the same person each week? Or is it more like our house and you just put off all the chores until you absolutely have to do them?

Tony once fell asleep while in the middle of reading his anniversary card from me. That's talent. But this is what we would all rather be doing instead of doing chores. Sleeping.