Baby 3.0: BOY or GIRL?

Tomorrow is the BIG appointment where we'll find out if this baby is a he or she. Gender isn't a huge factor to me, to be honest. I don't feel that either gender is more important than the other - both are beautiful and wonderful and deserve celebration. We don't have all pink things in this house because we currently have all girls. My girls love their Disney princesses full of magic, dresses, and singing but they're equally fascinated by all things Star Wars including light saber fights. They dig in the dirt and they aren't being raised to know the difference between "boy" and "girl" colors, clothes, or toys.

So in this regard, the outcome of tomorrow's ultrasound isn't hanging in the balance for us. I don't feel that our family would be incomplete if we are lucky enough to have a third girl. Will we miss out on certain experiences? Potentially, but not necessarily. I might not ever get a mother/son wedding dance. We might not experience what it's like to raise a son or have our family name carried on by another generation. But that wasn't our purpose for having a third kid.

It also doesn't mean we can't be excited at the prospect of having a boy. Because we absolutely are! But looking forward to the possibility of having a boy absolutely doesn't mean I'll be disappointed if I find out I'm carrying a girl. I am over-the-moon excited by each outcome!

There are so many wonderful things we look forward to no matter what the gender of this baby turns out to be! I'm so looking forward to holding my sweet baby and seeing his or her big sisters holding them as well. I love seeing Tony take care of a newborn. The love that grows from having a baby just strengthens the bond of our marriage and while it's not all sunshiny moments (spit up, poop outs, sleepless days and nights...) I know when Tony and I concur these mountains together in the early days it does something so wonderful for us. The thrill of going through it all again for the first time by experiencing what it's like to have a boy is both exciting and terrifying! While having our 3rd girl would bring back so many wonderful memories while still introducing this entirely new little life into our hearts and family.

So when people have asked me what I'm hoping to have this time around, I never quite know how to answer that. I don't want to sputter off the cliche of "as long as they're healthy" but geez, is that not so true? Most of the time I just say what I'm honestly feeling. Yes, I am hoping to have a boy on this particular day, but no it's not because I feel like my family only is of value as long as I produce a son for my husband. Tony says he'd love to see what a little boy of ours would look like - and of course so would I - but we both agree we'd be so anxious to see how the features of another girl of ours would manifest. I feel like it's totally normal to feel the joy and sadness in every experience. If we don't have a boy to carry on the Duggan name, will I be a little sad for that? Yes. Just like I was when that happened with my Myers generation (all girls from both my dad and my uncle). But feeling that amount of grief doesn't take away from the happiness that will inevitably come from having another baby girl. I love my family but do I yearn for weekends full of staying in bed with my husband all day? Absolutely. Denying the full extent of your feelings is the first step towards a bitter place that I don't want to be. So it's okay to be excited and scared and happy and sad all at the same time.

After bringing each kid home we vowed to ourselves and each other that we would stop putting one another through the hell of the newborn phase. Eventually though, we felt in our hearts that our family wasn't complete; that we had more love to give. We just weren't done yet. Sometimes I joke since we are hoping to purchase a van sooner than later that now we can keep having kids until the van is full! Other days I panic a little about Tony & me being outnumbered by children in a few months. And to make my mind an even more crazy place to be, it makes me a bit sad to think this is potentially our last baby.

Parenthood makes you even more irrational than you were before! But I would choose this life over and over again given the chance. And as long as the baby cooperates tomorrow, I can't WAIT to share with everyone what we are having!