Honesty!

Honestly, I don't feel like writing here lately.  I think it's because motherhood has definitely taken it's toll on me!  It's so much tougher than anyone ever let on or described to me.  And honestly, if they had tried to tell me what it was really like, I'm not sure I would have really understood it anyway because it's just something you have to go through to really get it.  As I sit here writing, my house is quiet... so quiet you'd think I was the only one home.  Nope!  Currently, my sweet daughter and husband are taking an afternoon nap.  While a HUGE part of me is jealous of their ability to sleep no matter what the time of day, another part of me is soaking in this alone time.  I've always been the kind of person that needs time to myself so I honestly think I'd rather stay awake (and be a zombie) to have some peace and quiet to myself.  Everyone has been harping on me to sleep when she sleeps, and I do try that, but I can't seem to sleep everytime she sleeps.  Once I am awake for the day, I'm awake.  I don't know if it's my hormones or just the fact that I feel responsible for her 24/7, but it's hard for me to fully relax midday.  I hope this does change so I can at least have the option to catnap with her throughout the day.

Currently, our routine goes something like this:  Tony gets home from work at either 4 or 5pm, depending on how much overtime he is working that day.  He has some time to himself once he gets home to do the manly bathroom routine (aka, "shit, shower, shave") and we usually see him an hour later.  By this time, depending on how the day has gone, I am usually in tears when I start to talk to him... even if the day has gone well!  (Again, I'm hoping this is also hormone-related and also hoping this, too, gets better in time.)  We watch Wheel of Fortune together and have something to eat and depending on the day, watch whatever show of the day is on that we like.  I usually get in the shower and stay put for a long while and enjoy the time that I have to myself, even though I feel a bit guilty during this time!  The rest of the evening is pretty much the same and we try to get into bed between 9 and 10 pm with a goal bedtime (for Tony, at least) of 10pm.  Sometimes Presley goes to bed with us (in her bassinet) after I feed her, but sometimes she decides that her and I need to stay up.  If she does go to bed, it usually takes some time for me to be able to relax and fall asleep.  And then her and I are up in about 3-3.5 (about 1am) hours for the next feeding, diaper change, and hopefully, back to bed.  If this goes smoothly, we are then up in another 3 hours (about 4am) to do the same thing.  We do this throughout the night with some feedings going better than others and by 10:30am, I have usually had enough of the sleep/wake stuff and am up for the day no matter if Presley is or not.

I don't have very much of an appetite these days, so I start the day off with an instant breakfast shake in addition to trying to drink some water as well.  We move throughout the day watching various TV programs (The Chew, The Revolution, General Hospital, etc.) and mostly all I do is just hold the little gal.  I try to put her in her swing but she's not yet a huge fan of it because really she just wants to be held!  And on various days we'll have visitors but I've been so much of a hermit lately that we don't have visitors too often.  From the beginning I've had a strong feeling that I want to bond with our little family as much as possible these first few weeks as well as try to find our new normal.  My mom does come over to help every few days, even if it's just to hold Presley while I go shower or just to have some adult time.  It's nice to be able to have my mom here for us!  Some days I make tummy time a priority but other days she's too sleepy or too fussy for it.  We're not really swaddling her anymore at night unless she is really having a fussy night.  I do, however, seem to rely on her pacifier to quiet her and calm her down each night.  (She'll suck on it for a while, then spit it out and cry so I'll hop right out of bed, pop it back in, and we repeat the cycle...)

So, we've had her home for just under 3 weeks now.  Things have definitely gotten better in that time period and I've cried less and less each day --usually, unless I got no sleep the night before and then I am a mess!!!  I feel more confident than before and breastfeeding has gotten better and easier as well.  I still (and always will) have a million questions and worries, but I am lucky enough to have many parents that I look up to just a few clicks away on facebook.  I am sure my facebook friends are sick of me constantly reaching out for advice and support, but quite frankly, I wouldn't do it if I didn't need it!!!  I also feel like the bond between Presley and I is growing.  At first, despite the feeling that I'd lay down my life for her, I didn't have that instant lovey-dovey bond that you see in Hollywood.  Thankfully, I had the heads up that it isn't necessarily like Hollywood so it was nice to know I wasn't the only one without an instant, super strong bond.  I sometimes still feel indifferent towards her when she cries and I can't figure out what to really do to make her happy, but it is getting better each day.

Everyone says that it'll get better or that each day will get easier and I honestly didn't believe most of them because like I said, it has been very hard work!!!  But now I can see that it HAS gotten better and continues to get easier each day that we get to know each other.  Presley is growing bigger each day and I can actually see that growth and development now.  It's hard for me to understand that she isn't going to be this tiny baby forever because most of the time I feel like we'll be stuck in this stage forever since this is all I know for now!  I know each stage will be trying and will all have hurdles, but I have found myself praying these early days away and hoping that time will fly by.  I KNOW I'll regret this at some point, but I am just looking forward to things getting on a regular schedule and hopefully getting more uninterrupted sleep somewhere down the road.  One of my biggest struggles has been the fact that it's not just me and my husband alone to ourselves anymore.  It really was heartbreaking for me to deal with this but like everything else, it's getting easier to deal with.  I am lucky enough to have him in my life and God-willing, we will hopefully have many years to enjoy each other.  I don't know what I would do without his love and support... he has been such a wonderful husband and father these past few weeks.  I'd go crazy without him!!!!  (Okay, I already feel like I've gone crazy anyways!)

Well, they've been sleeping now for a solid two hours and all I've really done is sit on the computer instead of clean up around here so I think I'm going to go do that or wake Tony up to spend some time with him!  It's been nice having this quiet time to myself, but sometimes it just gives me way too much time to think which these days can be a bad thing as I have a tendency to stress myself out! 

Thanks for reading and I hope I haven't sounded too much like a Debbie Downer, but it's nice to just be honest about the difficulties of being a first time parent.  As usual I would love any and all encouragement, support, and ideas that you may have for me -- it's things like that that have really helped me through this newborn stage!